Who are you? I haven't seen you before.
Who are you? I haven't seen you before.
Responses
Get acquainted
Hi! My name's Evan. I'm new.
New, eh? I'm Serena Marwitz.
Well here's my advice, newbie: if you don't want to lose your mind - and your life - keep away from the vending machine.
Buy some cold pies! I made them just three days ago. I don't change money! I'm not a bank! Cabbage pie is the best cure for sadness! Coffee and pies! Coffee and pies!
Responses
Ask about Hemnitz’s belongings
Propose a deal
Ask what she needs
Discuss the vending machine
Buy a snack
Discuss personal development
Ask about bachelors
Ask about pills
Talk about the explosion
Ask where you can buy useful items
General chat
End conversation
I recommend cranberry extract; it energizes you and keeps you loose. Delicious pies! Get ‘em before everyone else does! Bun lovers, get over here! Wheat buns, rye buns, soft buns, crunchy buns, sweet buns, mini-buns, jumbo buns, stuffed and glazed! Braided buns, oven-baked pies! Pasta pies are all the rage right now! Come and get ‘em! Coffee, tea, pastries, crosswords! Get yer change ready, young man!
Did you by any chance take any of Hemnitz's things?
No.
What do you want to know?
Responses
Ask about colleagues
Responses
Ask about Hemnitz
What happened to Hemnitz?
Who?
George Hemnitz, the floor inspector.
He was punished! And it serves him right! They say he was keeping explosives in his office! And that he was molesting girls from the kindergarten! And making sausages out of innocent babies!
What kind of nonsense is that?!
Well, I might be getting too gruesome with the details, but mark my word, nobody here gets punished for nothing! You, like, a buddy of his or something?
No, I barely knew him. Just like you. That’s no excuse for coming up with horrible stories and telling lies about him.
Everyone does that. Here, have a celery meat pie - I hear it's good for the brains.
Ask about Peter Dong
Do you know Peter Dong?
Oh, what a fool! A terrorist! So many people died...
Fella in glasses, likes cabbage pies, but always says his mom makes ‘em better.
Anything else?
He once bought a raisin roll, but instead of raisins inside, there were bits of cockroach. These things happen. The poor fellow got so sick that the guards came running. Thought it was a terrorist attack!
Turns out he's been afraid of insects since childhood. What a prima donna! I've heard that insects are a delicacy in South Borea. Do you want a bun?
No thanks.
Talk about Marco Legrand
Does Marco Legrand also buy your pies?
Bah! There are two things in this building I can't stand - Legrand and the vending machine.
What's the problem?
With the machine?
With Legrand.
Legrand buys food from the machine! While I have three children and shoes that are too tight! That piece of crap deserves to be blown to smithereens!
Legrand?
The machine!
Talk about Emma Hazer
Do you know Emma Hazer?
Emma? She's a good girl. She's a flirt and makes herself up like a hooker, but she's a good girl. She always buys the strongest coffee.
Makes sense - you can't get a good night's sleep if you're up screwing your boyfriends all night long.
As far as I know, Emma works a lot, that’s why she doesn’t get enough sleep.
Oh really? I'd like to see her try to get up at 4 a.m. like I do, cook pies, feed the children, listen to the political information broadcasts, and then heave this tray around all day!
Well if you don't believe me, go hit on her yourself! See how that bimbo butters up her rolls right away!
Are all of your metaphors food-related?
Meta… What?! I can see you’re no pea-brain. Want a cheese danish? S’fresh, made just yesterday!
Ask about the boss
What do you think of our boss?
Respectable man! Never blinks an eye passing by! One tough cookie! Even tougher, like that government-issue bread: two bites, and yer teeth are broken!
So I just give him my share and keep a low profile. Away from the bosses, closer to the monies, you know.
Responses
Learn more
Does the boss not eat here?
Are you nuts?! People like him only dine in restaurants. And it's better that way.
For them?
For me. Foodies like that are too hard to please.
Back
Back
Talk about the weather
Do you know the temperature today?
Do I look like a thermometer? It's hot in summer and cold in winter. There are clouds in the sky and puddles on the ground. What other information do you want from me? I just sell pies. You ask as though you think I care.
Ask how business is going
What are you selling? How is it going?
Pies with all sortsa fillings! It’s going great! Five for fresh pies, three for yesterday’s, one and a half for the two-day-olds!
Responses
What happens to the unsold pies?
The lottery!
What lottery?
A guaranteed-prize lottery! Buy a pie on Monday to participate!
And what is the prize?
Either you get full, or get to take sick leave! Depends on your luck.
What are those pies made out of?
Meat!
The kind that oinks?
Meows, actually! The less you know, the better you sleep!
What's in the pies?
Anything you want!
I like liver pies.
Out of them. Have a pasta one!
Pasta pies?!
Pretty nifty, huh? Came up with the recipe myself. There's always a line to take meat home from the canteen, but nobody wants the pasta leftovers.
And I've got to sell something, right?
How come meat pies are cheaper than potato pies?
Situational marketing!
What?
Potatoes can't be cheaper than cardboard. It's supposed to be that way. Don't distract me from work.
Planning on expanding your range?
Nah, I'm good.
But more products means more money.
Well I can't earn all of it, can I? Besides, I'm working my ass off already.
Where do you get all these fillings?
Trade secret!
No, but seriously.
At the market, after it closes. So much yummy stuff gets left behind!
Got anything else but the pies?
Sure! Rheumatism, three kids and a color TV.
For sale, I mean.
Only the pies are for sale.
Back
Talk about trading in the Ministry
How do you make it past security? The Ministry is a restricted-access area!
What do you think people eat in restricted areas - air? They used to have a whole canteen on this floor.
Responses
Ask for details
When it was shut down to cut costs, folks started dying of starvation right at their workplaces, so the bosses had to okay selling food here.
And nobody stops you?
I'd love to see ‘em try!
Wow, so you’re quite a big shot?
Please! I started out as a janitor here. You know how it goes, though - nobody pays attention to the hired help. I've seen and heard a lot.
Once the canteen got shut down, I put two and two together and went straight to the boss.
We agreed on an amount fairly quick. The security chief, though, became a problem.
So I had to remind him of what happened on the Day of Order a couple years ago, and he came to his senses pretty sharpish. Ever since, security just smile and wave at me.
What happened?
Yeah, right! Want to start smuggling pies, too? And take my job away?
Back
Talk about family
Talk about family
Back
Do you have kids, Serena?
Why, you wanna be a dad?
No, thanks, I'm good with the one I've got. Just curious how you manage to do so much.
What do you want to know?
What do you want to know?
I’m not gonna discuss my family with you. What do you care?
Responses
How many kids do you have?
Had three. One got drafted during the first Western campaign. The war did away with him in a month. The second one showed up again recently: shell-shocked, says he got discharged.
Huge fella with baby-brain. Gotta feed him like a toddler. My third one… Oh well, I'm talking too much, gotta go.
Where's your husband?
Ate too many pears!
What do you mean?
I once brought home some pears for my youngest. Traded for ‘em at the market. And that drunken swine knocked back a bottle of moonshine and ate ‘em all!
And what happened?
Well, I was young… strong… He fell very ill, so to say… I remember the blood gushing out of his nose and everything… And that's how he died. Food poisoning! Terrible business!
Are your parents alive?
After our youngest was born, they invited us to the city to live with them. They have a huge room in social housing here.
So there are five of us, but at least there's always someone to change the IV when you need to…
IV?
My youngest was born sick. Needs meds. And I'm no nurse. All I know is how to make pies.
Is anyone helping you?
Sure! The Leader's tender care and our constant victories on the battlefront!
Are you kidding?
Whaddaya mean?… Can't you see how I'm practically basking in care?
Back
Tell me, Serena, are there any eligible bachelors in our Ministry?
Batches of bachelors and stacks of studs. Wait, watcha need them for? Are you one of those types?
No, it’s not for me. A friend of mine wants to find herself a husband.
And here I thought... Well, I don’t know anyone suitable - you should look through the mail on your computer-thingy, maybe someone posted an ad.
Okay, thanks, Serena.
So all these different kinds of personal development courses have been getting popular lately... Do you…
Knock it off! Yuck!
I'll tell you about personal development! Daily labor is what “develops” your “person”!
Look at them! Courses-shmourses… Ugh! Try working! Day and night! I'm baking away here and my life's good!
Saw one shmuck by the subway the other day; was ushering folks in for “personal development”! As if a skunk like that counts as a person!
By the subway?
Yep, right there, from the very early morning. That scumbag stood there with his ads, getting in the way of folks tryna get to work!
Serena, you've been working in the Ministry for quite a while. Can you help me?
I don't sell alcohol. You need a license for that!
No, not that... But maybe you might have headache pills on you?
My pies don't cause headaches. I've only got laxatives. Need ‘em?
I think that'll do.
Well, they'll certainly make you forget about your headache!
Have you heard?! Somebody in the Ministry is selling drugs!
Good for them. Thought of doing it myself, but I don't know much about them.
Would you like to know more?
Oh, don't you tempt me! I've just got myself off the mouthwash!
But I have an idea you might like!
Hm?
I need to get something past security. You help me, I help you…
So you’re a smart cookie, eh! Just got here, and getting busy already! You'll go far!
I will if you help me. So?
Getting past security is no big deal. But you see, donuts on their own aren't enough. The vending machine sells candy bars, and that ruins my business.
If only it broke down beyond repair… You know what I mean?
Responses
Agree
You bet I do! I'll see what I can arrange.
Great. I've heard the only irreplaceable part of the vending machine is the reactor. Bring it to me, and I'll help you.
Refuse
I need time to think. The vending machine is out in the open…
Think, but don't take too long!
Serena, you're poisoning employees with drugs!
Not poisoning! I just add some to their coffee to make their lives a bit better!
Stop it!
Why? I've never had so much money in my life! I've got a family to look after!
Hi, Serena! What's new? Anything good going on today?
As if!
What happened?
That damn vending machine is what happened! They put those metal monsters everywhere, as if they can make buns as delish as mine!
Responses
Agree the buns are good
Your buns are the best! I'm sure your clientele isn't going anywhere!
It already has! Every night I look at my sales figures and weep! A couple more weeks like this, and I'm done!
That serious, eh?
If someone broke that damn thing completely, I'd shower him with gold! That's how serious it is!
So, what do you say? Help auntie Serena and make a little dough?
Responses
Agree
I never liked that machine either. Deal.
Thank you so much, sweetie! I'll never forget it! But really do your worst, alright? I've heard the only irreplaceable part of the machine is the reactor.
Bring it to me, and the money's yours.
Refuse
I'd love to, but I'm too busy right now. Some other time.
You might come some other time, and I ain't here anymore! And that'll be on you! Go away now, I've got work to do!
Criticize the buns
Your buns could be used to hammer nails into concrete!
Shame on you, talking about an old lady's buns like that! I work on 'em every night, I’ll have you know!
Get lost now, I've got stuff to do!
Hello, Serena! How's business?
You tell me how business should be... What with that vending machine still vending away over there! Will you do something 'bout it, or should I find someone gutsier?
Responses
I'm working on it.
I'm coming up with a plan. Breaking the machine is easy; getting caught, less so...
You'd better hurry, my little hunchback, before I run out of customers!
Tell her about the results
No need to look for anyone else. Here's your reactor.
Oh you sweetheart! Thank you so much!
Let me know if you need to get something past security! Here, for your trouble.
Back
Hello, Serena! Got any snacks?
What for? I never snack.
I meant for sale. My colleagues and I are planning a little party.
Oh, sure! I’ve got Redfish sandwiches, sausage sandwiches, and cheese sandwiches. Which do you fancy?
Responses
Ask about fish
Redfish? That's a rarity!
Well, it’s red, yes… It's herring, soaked in beet juice overnight.
Ask about sausage
Is the sausage fresh?
I'll tell you this much: it’s only going to get fresher!
Ask about cheese
What kind of cheese? I don’t suppose you have any gorgonzola, by any chance?
What's that?
A type of blue cheese with a sublime mold - a delicacy highly valued by connoisseurs…
Well, my lovely donut, not just cheese then! In my basement I've got gorgonzola potatoes, gorgonzola beetroot, gorgonzola pickles, and gorgonzola sausage! Your connoisseurs would go nuts!
Buy all snacks
Enjoy the party! But if anyone starts throwing up, see if they’re pregnant first before you start pointing fingers at me!
No money, no honey!
Back
Did you hear about the explosion in the new wing?
Of course I did, I'm not deaf! That was one hell of an explosion!
They’re saying that people died...
Did you know them?
Of course not!
Well, then quit blubbering about it! My work kills me too, but nobody’s crying over it. Why not have an artichoke pie instead?
Serena, do you know where I can buy some other useful things?
That courier, Page, has something for sale. There's also a merchant, but he might be hard to find.
Do you know where I can find him?
He used to work at 6 Krushvice St., and then moved past Lightenment Square.
Enlightenment?
No, Lightenment. The letters on the sign faded out, so they entered it into the register like that. Look for him there.
How will I recognize him?
You’ll know him when you see him! He wears an old-fashioned top hat to make himself more noticeable from afar. You shouldn't have any problems!
I do, but I don't think I can trust you with that information, Evan.
I don't have time to talk about this.
Codes required:
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