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Ministry of Order
Ministry of Patriotism
Ministry of Social Care
Ministry of Labor
Ministry of Culture and Sports
Ministry of Science and Technology
I don't have time to talk about this.
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Someone at 8 Krushvice Street is always breaking one of the lamps! On behalf of all the tenants, we ask you to resolve this problem!
Unknown persons have desecrated my shed!
Desecrated your shed?
Yes, sir. There were a lot of highly valuable household items in there! This is outrageous and must be stopped immediately!
What must be stopped?
What do you mean “what”? The misuse of diligent workers’ property to serve one’s own base needs!
Someone has graffitied the walls of our building! The culprits must be lined up against the same walls and shot!
Have they besmirched the name of our Glorious Leader? Or disrespected our military victories?
Worse! They drew the sun and some ducks! Rubber ducks! I blame the parents! You have to do something about this flagrant misbehavior.
I live near the weapons factory. Some small people regularly meet up on the wasteland behind the building and fly kites.
Small people? Do you mean children?
They might be children. But they could also be spies from South Borea pretending to be children so that they can take photos of the factory! Boreans are small, aren't they? I demand that you detain them all!
I'm the building manager... er... former building manager of No. 3 Great Legacy Street. Yesterday there was a military training exercise going on nearby, and a shell accidentally landed... in the wrong place.
Twenty-eight people died, including two children. Surely that’s a crime? I want you to... find the perpetrators, if that’s possible...
Hello! I would like to report a repeated violation of Directive No. 8750 at the city cemetery.
8750 bans unauthorized rallies, right?
It does! Every day, groups of people come to the cemetery to give speeches of a pessimistic nature and do other suspicious things. They’re easy to spot - they’re always wearing black.
And they always have a coffin with them. Presumably to use as cover.
I would like to report a crime. Some miscreants hijacked my mobile propaganda unit. They’re driving around the city broadcasting some nonsense about freedom and democracy.
I have no ties to freedom, and especially not to democracy! I respect the criminal code! I want that put on the record. And I want you to find and punish the culprits!
Someone is always unscrewing the light bulbs at the entrance to our building. I should point out that I am the junior secretary to the head of the third department of the Bureau of Statistics!
What if I break my leg in the dark? This is obviously an act of malice and sabotage!
Hello! I would like to report that unknown criminals opened three sealed-off apartments in our building and took everything of value.
Greetings! I’m an archivist in the military archive. I recently discovered that carpenters' reports about coffins for the Front were not marked as “confidential” - thus violating Directive No. 8790 of the Ministry of Order!
This must be corrected urgently, before anyone else uncovers this information!
What do you propose?
Do I really have to spell it out for you? Find whoever took receipt of these reports and have them executed for negligence! It's obvious!
A respectful hello to you! I would like to report that the management of our plant is criminally delaying the introduction of X-ray equipment to the entrance checkpoint in accordance with Ministry of Order Directive No. 5765 .
They say it's because of high radiation levels, but what’s wrong with that? I’ve seen for myself that whenever people use it, they positively glow with happiness at how safe they are!
Those mobile propaganda units in the streets make far too much noise! We’ve had far too many cases of shattered windows!
Do you have something against propaganda?
Me? Don't say that! I understand the importance of boosting patriotic sentiment! But is it possible to reduce the volume a bit?
What are the youth of today supposed to think? Who among them would want to serve in an army where they can't even spell the word “execution” properly?
Get to the point, please.
Yesterday I found a typo on the new posters calling for people to defend the Motherland from traitors. It's unacceptable!
The electricity went out during the most recent performance of “Real Patriots Eat Turnips” at the Red Torch Theater. The actors couldn't finish their performance.
The youngsters who came along to feel a sense of enlightenment and unity with the Motherland left disappointed. I demand a comprehensive investigation into this incident.
A huge propaganda poster was put on our building as part of the preparations for a military parade. It covered up everyone’s windows.
After the parade, the poster was just left there. It's unacceptable to leave honest workers with no sunlight!
A few days ago, another group of dead soldiers was buried in the city cemetery. As usual, one of the coffins was draped in the flag of our great Motherland.
But they forgot to remove it, and buried it like that. I think everyone who allowed the burial of our symbol must be punished severely!
Stop printing the portrait of our Great Leader in the weekly newspaper.
Do you have something against our Leader?
Not at all! But you see, since the entire paper industry switched to printing propaganda literature, our country has been suffering a shortage of adsorbent.
What?
Toilet paper. As a result, newspapers are generally used for... “hygiene”. And if there’s a picture of the Leader taking up the whole page, it can get... awkward...
Whoever authorized the production of “Leader” branded condoms must be punished! He is the rock-hard shaft around which our society is built, and he deserves the proper respect!
I used my shoe voucher at Store No. 3. The shoes I bought have a quality stamp on the soles featuring the state coat of arms.
Who thought to put a sacred symbol in such a place? People are trampling all over our coat of arms! The saboteurs must be found and punished!
Yesterday at work we had a rally in support of Directive No. 6738. Everyone got a badge with a picture of the Leader - everyone except me. How can I explain it to my kids?
That their father, a decorated cesspit emptier of Quarter 31, isn’t worthy of a badge? I need you to sort out this shortage of badges for honored members of society!
I have a subscription to a series of books chronicling the Leader's speeches. Page 429, paragraph 3 of the latest volume mentions Simeon Koldyrin, who was exposed as a traitor last week!
Are the authors suggesting that our Leader associates with criminals? I demand that all the culprits be punished and every copy of this seditious book destroyed!
There’s a billboard on the main avenue with a quote from the Leader: “Glory to all that benefits us - whatever it may be!”.
If you stand on the opposite side of the street, it reads: “!eb yam ti revetahw - su stifeneb taht lla ot yrolG”.
It distorts the meaning of this glorious phrase! All traffic on that side of the road must be outlawed immediately!
I want to complain about the mobile propaganda units near my apartment building.
Don't you like propaganda?
I don't like that they only operate during the daytime! I’ve spoken with the drivers - they don't want to work at night, but many of our tenants work night shifts and need to hear the truth, too!
How will people sleep at night then?
What does it matter? The enemy never sleeps, after all! These propaganda unit drivers must be held accountable for their laziness and lack of patriotic responsibility! I demand that they be punished!
Hospital No. 3 serves patients soup made with rotten onions! You have to stop this disgraceful practice!
My son's classmates are always making fun of him. I think it's because of his dietary requirements - he's lactose intolerant.
But there have been practically no dairy products in schools since the Cattle Decree.
That doesn’t mean that he can’t tell everyone how unique and special he is! He practices raw veganism - I’m so proud of him!
Food shortages have made half the population raw vegans...
I'm sorry, what?
Never mind. Give me a minute. I'll find the office you need.
Someone painted the benches in the park, but didn’t bother to hang up any signs about it.
My clothes were ruined, and my jacket got stuck to a bench! I hope this misunderstanding will be straightened out soon.
Rent is costing more and more, but my apartment building isn’t getting any better. I won’t stand for it! The place is a disgrace - there’s only so much falling plaster a person can take!
We've gone through several managers and none of them have done anything.
I haven't been able to collect my pension in two months - all just because someone with the same name died. Who can help me?
Hello! Yesterday I went to the hospital to get my disability certificate extended. They said that you’re only classed as disabled if you’ve lost your right hand - not your left, like I have!
It’s an outrage! The hospital management must be punished for abusing its power!
Hello! There's a shed by our building where the caretaker’s been keeping brooms and things like that for years. Recently, some degenerates and their kids shacked up in there, saying that they have nowhere to live!
I want to find out what they’re up to and evict them!
I recently spent some time at a health resort, and I would like make a complaint about the staff. I'm a general in the Logistics Service and I’m entitled to Class A1 accommodation. But what did I get?
The bedsheets were changed every two days, there was no cream for my coffee at breakfast, and caviar was only served at dinner! This will not stand!
Why should war heroes such as myself have to live in such inhuman conditions? We've spilled our blood in the offices, and for what?!
I want to report inappropriate behavior by the management of Orphanage No. 3. They put the children to work in the orphanage vegetable garden, supposedly because they haven’t been allocated any rations.
I don’t get any either, but they won’t let me into their garden! Either they should be forbidden from keeping a vegetable garden, or forced to admit everyone! As the Leader says: “One war - one vegetable patch!”.
None of us at Depot No. 4 have been paid in three months! We can only afford to eat rice and fish - it’s unbearable. Something has to be done!
I want to make a complaint against Trade Trust No. 3. They refused to hire me in the import deliveries department! What an outrage! They say there’s already a waiting list of two hundred candidates.
I don't care! I want a job there!
Something must be done about the publications in the Labor Happiness newspaper. There have been no vacancies published in three months, and instead they run advertisements for mopeds!
What the hell do I need a moped for if I can't find a job?! It seems to me that someone in the editorial office is abusing their position and ignoring their job responsibilities.
I came to complain about the management of Foundry No. 2. Our equipment is always breaking down, and nobody even considers lowering production quotas while its being repaired!
Are we expected to pour molten metal by hand? All they keep saying is that they don't set the quotas and can't change them. Something must be done!
I want to complain about the terrible working conditions in the police force. Who the hell decided that we have to wear hats underneath our helmets? What genius thought it would be a good idea to boil our brains?
But the hats provide extra cushioning from attackers!
If anyone ever hit me on the helmet, it would be the last time they hit anything. Now I have a sweaty bald spot all day! This can’t be allowed to continue!
I want to complain about the city utilities management. They only hire North Borean immigrants!
The janitors are Boreans, the road workers are Boreans, the cleaners are Boreans! I recently visited North Borea and there was hardly anyone left there. They've overrun us!
I want to report that last weekend, a group of five unknown people armed with tools carried out repairs on Kindergarten No. 78, also known as “Little Leader”.
Isn't that a good thing?
They left my whole organization without any work! We've been preparing for this repair job for seven years! We have 300 employees! What are they all supposed to do now? Something has to be done about this!
I want to file a complaint! Our despicable enemies derailed a performance by my Youth Drummers in honor of the Battle of the Pzhista River!
What enemies are you talking about?
The trumpet section! Those blowhards greased up my guys' drums with fish oil!
My wife has been driving me up the wall since she watched a family movie called “Together Forever”. She’s asking for flowers and other silly stuff like that. She’s been crying for days and acting crazy.
Measures must be taken against such films!
I was hit by a puck during a hockey match and lost three teeth!
While you were playing?
No, while I was watching! What’s more, I was the only spectator. There are absolutely no safety measures in place in the stands! It’s outrageous! I want to file a complaint!
Everyone knows that our country is the best in the world. Our national track and field team was sent to the World Championships to remind other countries of this fact.
Those useless parasites didn't win a thing. Even worse, not all of them came back! I suggest, no, I demand that they be sent to the gold mines, seeing as they obviously can't get any in competitions!
Some new musical instruments were recently delivered to our House of Culture. They’re awful! The string instruments don’t stay in tune, it’s impossible to blow into the wind instruments, and the piano keys don’t work!
And it's all because they were made at a furniture factory! The people responsible should be sent to cut down trees, not butcher musical instruments!
I recently attended a music festival in support of the war effort. I’m outraged! It was an insult to the memory of our fallen comrades!
Have you heard what they’ve been singing? “Let The War Be Over!”. Who put this program together? Who even allowed these talentless hacks to appear on a stage? Whoever is responsible for this disgrace must be punished!
What up, coach! Yesterday my football team played against the police team - The Sheriffs. Over the course of the match they arrested ten players for exceeding the pedestrian speed limit!
Their goalkeeper gave us a fine right there on the field! I want to file a complaint about the referees for their behavior. And I want a rematch!
I would like to complain about the manufacturers of my team’s sports equipment. Those tightwads have got some nerve! Look at the underpants and tank tops they made for us! Two scraps of cloth!
There's shortage of cloth because of the war.
But we're a ski team!
Do you see this disgraceful display?
What are you talking about?
This theater program! While the whole country is working hard for the war effort, these buffoons are using up precious paper on their useless programs!
The theater management must be punished for their wastefulness!
You do realize that this is an international scandal, don’t you?!
Pardon?
I would hope that you recognize me. I'm Enrico Peruso! I was promised the largest venue for my concert, but when I arrived in the city I discovered that it's being used as a field hospital!
I've given shows for the Leader! I have a year of performances lined up! I need to see whoever is responsible for this catastrophe immediately!
No. In fact, I don't even want to see them. Just execute them!
Vandals! Barbarians! Philistines!
Sorry?
I want you to dedicate all your resources to finding whoever vandalized the poster for my show: “The Mines are Calling!”. Look at me! Do I have a mustache and a beard in real life? Or horns?
And this postscript “... you to the grave” after the title?! You have to bring these villains to justice!
Greetings! The management of the theater where I work has increased actors’ productivity quotas. Now we have to perform for fourteen hours a day! Even when the hall is empty and there are no shows on!
The Ministry should sort this out and put the director and his lackeys back in their place!
I invented an incredible device that can make all our lives easier. But Construction Department No. 6 refuses to accept it!
What kind of device?
Proprietary Equipment for Notation, Sketching and Letter-writing - P.E.N.S.L. for short. This innovative tool has a graphite core for improved performance!
So you invented... a pencil?
Are you one of them, too?! That’s exactly what they said at the Construction Department... You don't understand anything! I want to make a complaint!
I read the book “Physics For Everyone” and now I can't sleep!
And what is the actual appeal you want to make?
This book says that classical mechanics and quantum mechanics don't operate under the same laws. But in our Great Country, everyone lives and works under the same laws!
This is an outrage! I demand that the authorities force these scientists to develop a unified theory of physics!
The experimental pressure cooker I bought yesterday exploded in my kitchen when I switched it on! Now all the walls are covered in my signature thyme and tomato soup!
And what would you like to do?
I want you to punish everyone involved in the invention of this thyme bomb!
After watching “Do It Yourself” on TV, my wife decided to make a ceiling fan out of matches, acorns and an old spring. Would you be at all surprised to hear that it was a failure?
The power is out in the whole building. And now there's a spring sticking out of my wall! I kindly ask you to punish the inventors of such dangerous creations!
An experimental new field pesticide was delivered to our economic union recently.
After using it, the pests continued to destroy our crops as if nothing ever happened. But workers who came into contact with it started acting strange.
They've become uncommunicative and excessively patriotic. I want to know just what kinds of pests and fields these chemicals were designed for.
And whoever suggested conducting human trials should be punished!
Greetings. I demand that you find the person who spat in my dish!
I understand how unpleasant that must be, but we have more serious issues to deal with...
My issue is more serious than yours! Someone spat in my Petri dish and undid ten years of my hard work!
I was supposed to attend a mathematics symposium, but the Institute sent some upstart junior researcher instead!
All he did was prove some theorem! I have 30 years of scientific experience! I demand that the administration of the Institute be punished for their disrespectful attitude towards valuable employees such as myself!
Hello! I'm a physics teacher at the Mining University. Yesterday I left some calculations on the blackboard, and when I came in today I saw that the board had been wiped!
The culprit must be found and punished!
I've come with a report on theft-prevention measures at Door Handle Factory No. 8.
Here are the full vandalism statistics for the Coal Park area over the last quarter. Who should I hand them over to?
I've brought a journal listing every instance of light bulb theft at the entrance to our apartment building, and of graffiti appearing on the walls.
It also describes preventative measures taken and the dates the crimes were committed. I hope it will help with the investigation into these flagrant violations of law and order.
I've brought the minutes of the workers’ meeting at Mine No. 7 after receiving complaints about some of their behavior. They’d set up an after-hours fight club.
I'm the manager of the tenement building at 7 Strasheci Street. Here are profiles of all my tenants.
I've brought a report on how we’ve met our quota for uncovering saboteurs at our kindergarten.
Kindergarten?
Yes! Arrests in the younger group for violations of Directive No. 92873 are up by 300% this month alone! We've had to start new children's groups twice already. Do you reckon there's a reward for that?
Hello! I did what they asked of me.
Sorry?
I was recently called in by the police... They asked me about my wife. I’ve already said everything I know! I swear I didn't ever think she...
Please calm down!
Sorry... So, they told me to try and remember who that traitor could have communicated with before her arrest. Here's all the information I have.
I brought the list of employees from my factory who want to join the voluntary city patrols under Directive No. 5873.
There are so many of them!
Why are you so surprised? As our Great Leader says: “Being a volunteer is a sacred duty!” And we fully support him!
I want to report on the number of schoolchildren who visited patriotic camps this summer.
I'm from the Propaganda Bureau. Here are all the student essays from my district on the topic of “How I Love the Wise Leader” for linguistic analysis.
The Special Commission is satisfied with the results of the guitar concert dedicated to the love of our Motherland. I've brought all the lyrics and chords in order to compile a patriotic songbook.
I brought you a trial copy of the Monochrome Star newspaper so it can be verified for patriotism.
I want to thank everyone involved in the “From the Heart” patriotic song festival at Mine No. 4. The songs even made the walls shake! Who should I give the award recommendation list to?
I'm the supervisor of a public toilet by the railway station. Each stall is equipped with a surveillance camera and a microphone, in accordance with the Patriotism Law.
I've brought you all the video and audio recordings for this month.
I have our factory’s anti-optimism activities report, in accordance with the latest directive from the Ministry of Patriotism.
Hello! I've managed to cultivate a new kind of apple tree that bears fruits the colors of our national flag! I want to give the seedlings to the state biological collection.
Hello. I have a list of tenants from our building who want to participate in the annual Parade of Future Victory.
Just two people?
Yes, me and my wife. My mother-in-law turned us down, and we couldn’t find anyone else.
At long last, there are cycle paths in Labor Park. And while it isn’t possible to buy bicycles at the moment, I would like to thank everyone involved. This is a big step forward for our country!
I have a complete register of the newborns in our district. Who should I hand it over to?
Where do I submit the completed family trees for the population census?
I have all the required documents to obtain a voucher for a trip to a health resort. Where do I hand them in?
I’ve assembled all the paperwork to prove that there are multiple children in my family.
Greetings! My wife is a typist in the Ministry of Order. In accordance with Ministry of Social Care Directive No. 8869 regarding the relatives of public servants, I've brought my income records for the last year, my employment certificate, excerpts from the tenants’ register and my medical records.
I was told to bring a statistical reference regarding military service housing for veterans. Here it is.
I have profiles of all the children at the kindergarten where I work, complete with photos and distinguishing characteristics.
Everything's been done in strict accordance with form No. 23, as requested. Now I hope we'll be able to get those new potties - the old ones are useless.
I've brought an in-depth log detailing my daily observations of my colleagues. It includes all of their absences and the exact time spent taking smoke breaks.
I want to submit a list of my plant's employees and their figures for the last month. The top workers are highlighted in red, the lazy ones in gray.
Where can I submit my statistical report on the age and marital status of the workers at Coal Mine No. 3?
I have information about the distribution of Mining College graduates. Who should I give it to?
I have the results of compliance checks of the working conditions at Mines Nos. 1-3 for the last month, including violations and observations.
Hello, sir! Command has ordered that as of midday on August 31, all citizens detained by the police who are still awaiting further investigation are to be sentenced to correctional labor.
I have been instructed to provide the Ministry of Labor with a performance and loss report.
I've brought work efficiency estimates for the fourth quarter of this year. They’re in line with the goals set by the Ministry of Labor: a 125% output increase, a 30% salary decrease, and a one-hour increase of the working day.
Hello! Here are the last three years’ timesheets for the doctors at the city hospital.
I’ve brought a list of workers from the Light of Victory plant who've been called up for military service. Now they can be removed from the ration lists.
Hi there! I have a doctor's note saying that I can't work in the mines.
My father said he found me a job at the Central Bank, but this Ministry of Distribution of yours keeps sending me summonses!
I have a report on the pregnancy statistics for clothing factory workers, and the effect it has on production and performance.
I’m about to blow my top! I won't be kept waiting here a minute longer! Who here needs a list of my barge's crew?
A lot of ‘em didn’t come back from the last voyage, as happens, but the rest are greedy swines! Remember that when you're giving out ration cards!
I have the annual instrument renewal plan for the Houses of Culture. Who should I give it to? In total, we're charging for 2,143 drums, 1,876 trombones, 2 triangles and 1 grand piano.
I’m here to submit the new posters for the theatrical production of “We’re the Happiest - Don’t Believe the Traitors” for censorship. Who do I give them to?
I came to hand in a statistical report on the total distance our athletes have run over the last 10 years.
We have prepared a program for City Day. Who shall I pass it on to?
I’m here to hand in completed forms with the latest results of the factory football championships.
I’ve brought in a review of the new “1985” movie. It’s a delight to witness such a great work of art! What a magnificent world full of order and harmony! A cinematic masterpiece!
Hello! I brought data on last year's cinema attendance. As expected, the industrial drama “The Diode and I” is number one!
Hi. I’m here to hand in the results from the latest military sports games, as well as submit a report on the ensuing casualties.
Casualties?
Boys will be boys! What can you do, eh!
Greetings! Where should I send my report on High Culture Week: Prison Edition?
Hello, I’m here to submit a photo report on the amateur “Songs of Labor and Heroism” festival.
I’ve managed to split the atom in my own home! I’d like to donate my findings for the benefit of our state’s scientific endeavours! Here’s my paper-mache model of the atom - as you can see, I’ve split it up. Which office should I bring it to?
I want to present the Ministry with my chemical formula for transforming gold into lead. Which office should I go to?
I had a dream about some new fundamental particles and had to draw them right away. The quarks and muons are sketched in pencil, and the leptons and bosons are in charcoal because my pencil ran out.
I'd like to donate my works to assist our fundamental physicists!
I have some data on the flammability of various materials. It can be used to calculate the amount of fuel needed to burn counterfeit and prohibited items in accordance with the relevant directives. Which office should I bring it to?
My group has researched the effect of bromine on soldier's fighting abilities when it's added to their fruit juice. To whom can I pass on the results?
Hello! Here's a list of the reagents needed to continue my work in synthesizing food proteins from manure.
Hello. I need to transfer some academic records belonging to one Professor Drumderi to the archive, on account of his death.
Hello! I've brought lists of students nominated for scholarships in scientific work and trench digging.
Hello there! Here's a folder containing the results of my cloud observations. I've spent over 30 years on them - haven't missed a single day!
My wife says that they're a complete waste and keeps threatening to throw them away. So I decided to hand them over to our trusted Ministry of Science!
True scientists will be able to appreciate my work.
Hello! I am a veterinarian. I’ve noticed that cows that listen to the Leader's speeches demonstrate a sharp increase in milk production, pigs give birth to more piglets, and sheep’s wool becomes softer and silkier!
I would like to pass these observations on to the Ministry of Science. They might be of use to the Academy of Agriculture.
I want to inform you that my brother-in-law is keeping forbidden books. I know for a fact that he reads them under a blanket with a flashlight.
His name?
Klaus Schimmer. He's wasting precious batteries on reading this crap. Even worse, his work is suffering because he’s not getting enough sleep! Put an end to this!
I want to make a statement. My mother-in-law steals cotton candy from work and takes it home.
Not only are we sharing our home with criminal, but the cotton candy isn’t even sweet! And we get itchy every time we eat it!
Her name and place of work?
Claudia Biman. She works at the thermal insulation factory.
I would like to report Irvin Borzhovich, my neighbor's kid.
What’s this boy done to you?
He has a part-time job shining shoes. And he deliberately pours mud all around the entrance to our building so that he gets more clients! It's fraudulent business practice! Stop him!
I have something urgent to report! Listen! I’ve witnessed a terrible future crime in progress!
Go on.
There's an apple tree close to our building.
So...
So, I was walking past it one day.
And...
And you of all people must know about the recent directive banning apples! Do you realize what could happen?! You have to stop this tree from committing a crime!
So if I understand you correctly, you want us to arrest an apple tree?
This apple tree is a criminal with heinous plans for future lawbreaking! Hurry up, we don’t have much time!
Hello! My name is Nikolai Meser. I'm 39, single, and recently started working as a chemistry teacher at School No. 217.
The principal, Johannes Brahms, is always playing the piano between classes. This is a violation of clause 3 of subparagraph 7 of article 9 of Directive No. 097809.
And while I have the utmost respect for him, I'm afraid he must be executed. Who do I report this to?
My neighbor has fat lips!
Sorry?
I said that my neighbor, Victor Krause, has big, fat, glistening lips!
And what would you like me to do about that?
Are you an idiot? It clearly means that he’s been eating sausages, which, as you know, have not been manufactured in this country for three years.
So they must be contraband sausages! He's a criminal and should be arrested!
I want to report a violation of Directive No. 6729 from June 23 this year. My neighbor, Jacob Proust, is hiding a draft dodger in his home. Someone who was called to serve on the Western Front.
The fact that the man in question is Jacob's son doesn’t give him the right to violate directives, does it?
Hello! I want to report a breach of the law. The writer Mark Niemeyer, who lives at 3 Leader's Wisdom Street, is trying to leave the city without an official certificate of absence.
How do you know that?
Because I have the certificate! I accidentally entered his room when he wasn't at home and saw it just lying there in a closed drawer!
So, of course, I took it. You can't leave documents like that lying around! And his resort voucher was dated for today, so he must have left without his certificate!
I want to report that one of the typists at our bureau, Martha Zane, is a spy! I sometimes see her pick up a newspaper, read it, then underline something in it.
And that makes her a spy?
Of course it does! Her accomplices in South Borea are sending her encrypted terrorist commands in the personal column.
How do you know that?
Young man! I've worked as a watchman for twenty years! My intuition has never failed me!
Lieutenant Richter reporting, sir! Captain Weller spent funds allocated for bribing South Boreans on gambling and loose women!
Dietrich Schultz, the manager of Building No. 4 on Responsibility Street, has opened an underground casino.
I demand that someone put an end to this illegal activity and refund all the money I lost!
I want to complain about Ivan Felmeyer, the director of our lab. We have no chemicals, no test tubes, no equipment - nothing!
These are hard times.
Are “hard times” the reason why he blew the entire budget on a trip to a resort with the assistant girl? Felmeyer should be punished for embezzlement!
I would like to inform you that the physicist Maurice Hecker has assembled a radio receiver from old equipment, and uses it to listen to forbidden South Borean stations at night.
That’s punishable by being sent to the labor camps!
Hi! I'd like to report that Professor O’Callaghan has flagrantly violated the Standards for Processing Classified Data!
When did this happen?
That's classified.
And what exactly did he do?
That’s also classified.
And what would you like me to do about that?
Pass my message on to the Ministry of Order! You can use Directive No. 98720... It prescribes everything from financial rewards to execution, so it's up to you to decide!
I want to let you know that a couple of the peddlers on Labor Square, Bertha Proschek and Anna Hobbes, have been feeding stale bread to the pigeons! Those damn birds have befouled the statue of our Great Leader! It's deeply offensive!
Yesterday Charles Stobart's bakery was selling cakes with the Wise Leader's face on them! This is completely unacceptable!
Explain.
What is there to explain?! I can't even bring myself to say it... People have been cutting up and... and eating our Leader! It's so unpatriotic and vile! Stobart has to be arrested!
I wish to inform you that my colleague James Aderhold's kids graffitied a poster our Wise Leader by scrawling a moustache over it!
This is an insult to my patriotic sensibilities. The Leader already has a full and majestic moustache! The insinuation that it can be replaced or improved upon is treasonous! I suggest arresting Aderhold, and shipping his kids off to the labor camps!
My neighbor, Joshua Krukov, makes inappropriate jokes about our Leader when he's drunk!
What kind of jokes?
For example, an infinite number of Leaders walk into a bar...
Are you insane? Are you trying to get exiled?
There's a joke about that, too. It goes...
Stop it at once, before you get us both into... Whew... Let me see where to send you...
This is unforgivable! Last night some vandals put a hat and gloves on one of the statues of our Great Leader!
It was Zlata Ushtek and Veselina Krenek from the textile factory! They must be punished!
My neighbor, Damir Kadapidi, didn't stand for the national anthem at a recent football game.
I saw Samuel Harris, the shift manager at my plant, change the channel from our Leader's speech to a morning workout!
And then he made all the workers exercise, instead of letting them soak up every word of our Leader's wisdom!
My neighbor's kid, Ben Crivens, was spitting paper at a portrait of the Leader. He used wadded-up pages from a newspaper featuring a portrait of the Leader!
That's two crimes in the space of a minute! He's a hardened juvenile criminal who needs to be put behind bars at once!
Luke Parker, my neighbor, beats his wife every day, and blasts out the national anthem on his turntable to drown out the sounds!
That's none of my business, of course, but as a professor at the academy of music, I must report that he consistently misses the beat - especially during the chorus!
One can't show such disrespect to state symbols - it offends my patriotic sensibilities!
Look at this herring!
What's wrong with it?
Look at what it's wrapped up in!
A newspaper?
Not just any newspaper! It's yesterday's issue, which has one of the Leader's speeches on the front page!
But this is the last page. The one with the crosswords and puzzles.
That's not the point! I demand that Luis Barton, the fishmonger, be arrested for showing such flagrant disrespect to our Leader!
I live by the city square. My neighbor, Otto Brandis, goes around feeding paint to the pigeons. Says it's to cheer people up, but c’mon! Everyone knows that the rainbow contains the colors of the enemy’s flag!
I'm here to report my kid's kindergarten teacher. Charlotte Shepard's her name. She lets the kiddos sit on the potty when the anthem's on. That’s teaching them to be traitors, right?
My building manager, Max Staff, uses a bust of our Great Leader to crack nuts!
Olivia Rice, whose husband Bruno is head of the passport desk, uses a bust of our Leader to weigh down her sauerkraut!
My neighbor, the designer Peter Bless, said yesterday that our coat of arms looks like an upside-down pyramid!
Yesterday, Johannes Bloom, the projectionist at the Victory movie theatre, played a South Borean comedy called “A Blond Guy and His Girls” instead of our patriotic war drama, “War Is Never Far!”.
Even though it's War Drama Month at the theater!
One of the teachers in State Kindergarten No. 159, Brigitte Swen, isn’t looking after the children properly.
How exactly?
My son keeps coming home sniffling and covered in bruises! There are only 95 kids in the class - how hard can it be to keep an eye on them?
I want her prosecuted for neglecting the future of our Great State!
Stefan Oswald, a professor in the Coal Mining Faculty, won't let my kid enrol.
Says his grades aren't up to par, and ignores the fact that my boy can tell soft coal from graphite or anthracite by taste alone!
Oswald deserves to be punished as harshly as possible.
Maurice Walsh, the head of Hospital No. 2, doesn't keep his facility in proper sanitary condition. The patient rooms are dirty, there's mold in the showers, and the kitchen's overrun with cockroaches the size of a bulldog!
What’s more, yesterday my nephew slipped in the hallway where they dump the bedpans and broke his arm!
These are gross violations according to the standards published by Epidemiological Control last year! The only solution is his dismissal and arrest.
I'd like to file a complaint against Klenz Mnetis. He’s a high school teacher, and he doesn’t know a thing about what he's teaching.
I flicked through my son's notebook, and was shocked - it was full of letters! There wasn’t a number in sight! And this is math we're talking about. Do something!
Rene Helfenburg, our physician, keeps prescribing me the same medicine for everything. Doesn't matter if I have headaches, a cough, a runny nose, allergies...
Every time he just tells me to take aspirin. I believe he's unqualified for his position.
Alternative medicine offers tons of different herbs and tinctures and the like! Replace him with someone who takes a more modern, educated approach!
I want to report that my neighbor has too much living space and our building manager, Oscar Morel, has done nothing about it!
It's already been two weeks since my neighbor’s wife and three kids got run over, and there's still nobody living in their rooms!
I'm here to let you know that Adam Pluke and his family are illegally collecting his deceased grandmother's food stamps.
Don't you think we should be punishing the families of traitors?
What are you talking about?
It's been two weeks since Nikolai Landau was declared a traitor and sent to the mines, and Alan Morino, the manager of the Grocery store, keeps sending bread to the guy’s family!
He says he doesn't want the children starve to death, even though we all know our Ministry of Social Care won't let anyone die without proper authorization.
I demand the arrest of Alan Morino for interfering with the state welfare program!
I want to report Franz Dietrich, building manager of No. 67-bis on Veterans' Drive. There are illegals living in his business apartment: his brother's wife, his three nephews and one of his grandmothers. He says they have nowhere else to go because his brother was killed in the war, but I say rules are rules!
I'm here to fulfil my civic duty and report a violation of the Family Code.
Yesterday, I went to get a trim at the Leader's Mustache barber shop, and witnessed George Mandyuk, the hair services specialist, kiss another male in full view of the public! This is unacceptable. How can the Ministry allow this?
Who was the other male?
That’s not important. I mean, it was his son, but citizens are forbidden from engaging in oral contact with members of the same sex! So, I’ll say it again: how can the Ministry of Social Care allow this?
I have to report that my boss, Gus Morev, is a tyrant! He makes us workers bring him tea and polish his boots - what the hell?! It's illegal and disgraceful!
You must arrest Philippe Courier, the milk truck driver, for dereliction of duty! He's supposed to pour unsold milk into the gutter, but instead he's been giving it to stray cats!
Jiri Shnip, my boss, has jeopardized the reputation of our rubber plant! We used to make tires, but when demand fell we switched to police batons.
And now he says we'll be making ducks! Rubber ducks! Please don't allow him to embarrass our plant!
I need a new job.
What's wrong with your current job?
Well, you see, my wife is the boss. My ex-wife, I should say. And ever since we got divorced, she's been abusing her position to make my life hell.
She makes me work overtime, she triples my quotas and then slashes my bonuses for not meeting them...
I'll see about getting you reassigned.
Smoking has always been prohibited at our fuel and lubricant depot. But now the new boss, Shiber Patek, says it's okay. And he lets his nephew sell smokes in the depot.
Now everyone smokes, and I'm sweating bullets the whole time expecting a fire or an explosion. We have to stop this, before it's too late!
I want to inform you that my neighbor, Walter Gauss, is a chronic freeloader! He thinks he's a poet, so he doesn't have a job... He just spends his days wasting perfectly good paper.
Under Directive No. 8989, all citizens must serve at least ten hours a week in the defense of our Great Country. And how does Gauss spend his time? Scribbling worthless rhymes!
I wanna say that Nicholas Pergheim, the warden of the prison, is violating guards’ rights and making the job real crappy!
What happened?
Says wardens can't take inmates' stuff after executions! The Great Leader himself gave us this privilege!
My colleague, Martha Kramer, has created a hostile work environment! She keeps opening the window, and now I've got a stuffy nose all the time!
Punish her, or at least prohibit her from opening the window. Or get a hammer and nails and do something!
To your colleague?
To the window! Though I like your idea, too - I'd be a shoe-in for that promotion. Can you make it happen?
I'm here to report that citizen Franz Merezhkovsky is cheating the Ministry of Labor. He was assigned to be a radio host but instead, he records his voice at home and then plays the recording while working as a handler at the coal warehouse!
Lola Thmin, the singer, caused a whole scandal after her performance on Railroad Worker Day. We invited her to our canteen... She took all the food with her, called us pathetic, and then she and the director of the House of Culture left together in his car!
She should be punished for such thoughtlessness!
Do something about the director of the Bumpy Roads theatre group! They hire disabled actors, then torture them to make their performances more realistic! One guy had both his eyes taken out by a parrot!
What's the director's name?
Mira Rosenblatt. She also uses the orchestra pit for her production of Spartans and their Problem Children. Throws those poor actors right at the trumpeters!
The coach of our turnery's handball team refuses to give reserve players a chance to play in matches!
He says he won't risk losing games by letting armless guys on the court!
But you know what, we think a few missing fingers here and there are no reason to be a bad sport about it!
Your coach's name?
Herman Martino. Everyone wants to see him prosecuted!
The national chess champion is a cheater who belongs in jail!
Who? What happened?
Luka Zhambek. He stole one of my pieces from the board during a match! And I already had all my moves written down!
Modern theatre productions are shameful! I was at one recently, and it's an outrage how perversely they twisted the story of our Great Leader's life!
And they renamed him “Hamlet” or some nonsense like that! This offends me as a citizen and a patriot. I demand that you arrest the director, Nikolai Redstroop.
Hello, my name is Pierre Vaneau, and I'm a bellboy at the Anthracite Hotel. I thought you should know that Ricky Martinos, the famous singer, has been behaving in an antisocial manner!
Orgies, girls, drinking every night! He's the Golden Voice of our people! Shame on him!
Hello there! I want to report that Alex Podransky, the runner, has refused to take vitamins recommended by our doctors because they contain pervitin!
Pervitin?
Yes, you know, it’s just a harmless little stimulant - it puts a spring in your step. Everyone takes it, and he’s jeopardizing our team's chances for the world championships!
I wish to notify the Ministry of Culture and Sports that the director of the Roots folk ensemble, Philip Kim, refuses to incorporate songs recommended by the Ministry of Culture into the band's routine.
He claims that in days gone by, there were no Leader, Party, or War, which is why there's no mention of them in songs from that time period. What is that even supposed to mean? That kind of talk is criminal, pure and simple!
Hello there! Tell me, please, are green apples still banned in our country?
Yes, that directive has not been rescinded.
Then I have a complaint. Darij Lucius from the circus has been juggling banned produce!
It’s a slap in the face of our great people - the great people who years ago made the patriotic decision to tolerate red apples only!
Hello, I want to report negligence on the part of Dmitry Petrashek, the movie editor.
He used archive footage in his last documentary, the one about General Lampard's funeral.
And what's wrong with that?
Nothing, except that at one point General Lampard is seen carrying his own coffin! It strains the film’s credibility somewhat...
Hello. I'd like to report an incident that occurred yesterday at an evening with the poet Albert Grabowski. While he was performing the Pacifist Hymn, the audience erupted in a completely unsanctioned uprising - they literally rose up out of their seats!
What?
A standing ovation! I'll have you know, the Public Events Attendance Guide lists all the approved reasons for standing up, and there’s no mention of Grabowski poems in there!
I demand that he be punished for using the medium of poetry to cause such an outrage!
Hello. I bought a book of Victor Grum's poems recently, and you know what? It doesn’t contain a single line about the working man! Nothing! It's all women, children, nature...
What of the miner's labor? Or the risks of the police officer’s job? What about the irreplaceability of the civil servant?
I want him kicked out of the Writers Guild, his typewriter confiscated, and his poems about love banned!
I'm a technical consultant at a glass ceramics producer. I want you to punish my wife, Grace Chilton, for altering my designs at night without my knowledge.
It’s beside the point that she has a college degree and I don't. And it’s also beside the point that her alterations are an improvement. It hurts my pride!
Sean Campton, a process engineer at Bakery Plant No. 7, came up with a conveyor belt improvement that saves a lot of working time.
First of all, now the workers have a ton of downtime they waste on who-knows-what!
And even worse, he won't share his invention with me, even though I'm his supervisor!
I demand his arrest for breaking the chain of command and intentionally impeding technological progress in the field of soft breads!
I'm here to inform you that my neighbor's brother has made some kind of futuristic, next-generation inhaler.
Now their room always smells like burning rags, they giggle non-stop, and they won't invite me over to join in!
I demand that you confiscate this groundbreaking device, transfer ownership of it to me, and punish my neighbor and his brother for suppressing such an important invention!
Their names?
Dylan and James Brooke.
I want to complain about my neighbors, Werner von Gray and Sergey King. There used to be an elevator in our apartment building. It broke some years ago.
There was no money to fix it, so we left it be. Recently, these two neighbors acquired some kind of motor and decided to repair the elevator.
But during one of their trial runs, the elevator gained too much speed and shot right through the roof. Now it leaks when it rains. But even that didn't stop them.
They've scheduled another attempt for tomorrow. I request that you order von Gray and King to repair the roof, and to get rid of that motor before it's too late.
My upstairs neighbor, Mark Lipinec, is trying to irradiate me with waves of some kind! Now when I'm at home I have to wear a tinfoil hat all the time!
I insulated the apartment, but the waves still get through sometimes, and I can see what he's trying to indoctrinate me with. Images of a future where everyone's happy without the Great Leader!
Please help! I don't want this future!
Our junior lab tech, Martin Clavel, is using a still to make moonshine, which he then consumes along with cucumbers from our experimental plantation! He shouldn't be allowed to do science!
Hello, I want to inform you that the entomologist Salzberg has discovered a new species of butterfly. He named it Franciscus pulchritudo - which means “Francesca the Beauty”.
So what's the problem?
The problem is that the New Biological Species Naming Guide clearly outlines the procedure for naming new species, and Francesca is the name of Salzberg's daughter who starved to death a few years ago.
If everybody starts naming butterflies however they please, where will it end? I believe Salzberg should be prosecuted for violating proper procedure, and the butterfly should be renamed!
Greetings! I'd like to report that Nikolai Greenberg is using foreign-made scalpels for tissue dissection.
Yet Directive No. 5730 clearly states that only domestically-produced instruments may be used for cutting!
Hi. I've invented a device that can identify dissidents in a crowd and highlight them to the police. One of our junior lab techs, Nikolai Petrescu, got into my office tonight and ruined everything!
Now the device won't turn off, and without warning electrocutes anyone who’s taken bribes! We can't do anything! The director of the institute had to be rushed to hospital, and it nearly killed a police captain!
We need you to arrest Petrescu at once and find out how to turn the machine off.
Who's in charge here? You?
I'm just a clerk. What can I do for you?
I have an urgent message! Henry Klein, a self-taught inventor, has built a device in that can, in his own words, “split the atom”!
And why is it urgent?
I see you're not a physicist... Let's just say if he succeeds in turning it on, there won’t be anyone left to see what happens next! I mean come on, he made the reactor out of a barrel!
I'm a Member of the Writers Guild. I'm working on a detective story at the moment, and I'd like access to the crime archives for the past ten years.
I need a note certifying that I have no convictions. Who should I talk to?
I need a full version of the Criminal Code. Oddly, they won't let me check it out from the library without the Ministry's permission.
What's odd about that?
I believe it’s a good idea for citizens to know what's legal and what's not. Don't you? Ignorance of the law is never an excuse.
The Criminal Code is updated every week. A new version will come out while you're still waiting to get the permit.
Let's do it anyway. At least I’ll be able to read the previous version.
I'd like to get a gun.
A gun permit, you mean?
No, I mean where do I get a gun?
I'm the principal of School No. 3 at 12 Strasheci St. Where can I get information about how many of my students are criminals?
Yesterday, the newspaper published some pictures of the most-wanted terrorists, and one of them looks exactly like me!
My wife kicked me out, my parents have disowned me, and everyone is out to get me. It's a miracle I made it here at all! But I've done nothing wrong!
Give me a letter verifying that I'm not a terrorist!
Do you have a mole on your left buttock?
What?
Nothing, sorry.
I heard that there was a terrorist attack at the port recently, and one of the suspects they arrested has the same surname as me.
The thing is, my brother works there and I'm worried he's fallen in with the wrong crowd. I recently got a good job, and I can’t afford to be associated with a terrorist. How can I find out whether it's him or not?
I need all felony vandalism cases from the past five years related to the Patience and Silence monument.
I'm writing an essay on the effectiveness of our law enforcement agencies, and I want to demonstrate how much the number of prosecuted hooligans has grown!
I'd like to talk to someone about my ideas for fighting terrorists more effectively.
What kind of ideas?
Baiting them. Do you know what I’m saying? We could carry out a couple of acts of terrorism, to set an example, then see who comes out to watch them!
There will be terrorists among them! Like attracts like! It's pretty ingenious, don't you think?! I want to lead the operation! I’ve already written up a business plan!
Hello. I read an article in the Military Science Bulletin about the analysis of the explosives used in the most recent act of sabotage at the plastics plant.
Quite inventive, I must say! You see, those terrorists managed to synthesize a hitherto unknown compound with incredible explosive power!
Are you a fan of theirs, then?
By no means! I just wanted to ask the Ministry of Order to send the results of their interrogations to our lab. The address is No. 3-bis Construction Department No. 14/3. We'd like to have a look!
I require assistance in arranging a rally dedicated to the upcoming birthday of our Great Wise Leader!
I think my compatriots are starting to forget what a great country they live in.
What do you want?
I want thirty flags to decorate my street, and 10,000 to spend on patriotic decorations for the benefit of the population!
I want to get a permit to read certain extracts of our Wise Leader's biography aloud on Patience Square and Obedience Drive.
What for?
To increase patriotism among our fellow countrymen!
I wrote a romance novel based on the life of our Wise Leader. The Ministry of Agriculture says I should have it checked for patriotism.
I'd like to see the standard regulations for depictions of the Leader in works of art.
I need 300 wall calendars with pictures of the Great Leader for the upcoming year. They'll have a tremendous propaganda effect in our prison!
I'm compiling a guidebook of all the monuments to the Great Leader in our city. I need information about their locations and how many of them there are.
The head physician sent me here to get new stickers for the medicine labels in our hospital. This year, the only medicine we received was ribwort, but everyone knows how powerful the Leader's words are! They can raise the dead!
I'd like the updated list of patriotic songs approved for performance in school music lessons. We were told it's been amended this week.
I'd like data on our losses on the Western Front during the war.
Are you sure you need that information?
Of course! We were tasked with finding out how many heroes have given their lives for the Leader. The more losses, the more heroes, right?
I'd like to thank everyone who helped erect a monument to the Leader on the roof of our building.
Living under his heel, seeing how he looks down on us all... It's a lifelong dream come true! I need to know the names of the heroes responsible!
I've brought a poem in praise of the Great Leader and our victorious deeds in the West. This patriotic masterpiece will stir up the whole country!
I want to have it published in the next edition of the newspaper! Where can I leave it?
I don't know what to do... You're my last hope!
Tell me what happened.
My daughter Zlata was hit by a car... She needs a kidney transplant... She's number 176 on the waiting list... My little girl is dying, and we have no money to move her up the list...
Would you like to apply for medical assistance?
Yes! I'm begging you... If my little girl dies, it’ll be the end of me!
I need a wheelchair!
Do you have any proof of your disability? You don't seem to be having any trouble getting around without a wheelchair.
I don't! I just wanted to take part in the Third Annual Wheelchair Race. There are holiday resort vouchers up for grabs!
You need to prove that you need a wheelchair.
Are you saying I should become disabled just so that I can go to a seaside resort?
No. I'm saying you won't get a wheelchair without a certificate proving that you need one.
And where can I get that certificate?
Just a minute...
Me, my wife, and our three kids have nowhere to live.
What happened to your previous residence?
I sold it to pay a debt.
What debt?
Cards. I'd like to apply for a new apartment.
I need to take maternity leave.
But you're a man!
Paternity, then. I need to get ready to become a father.
My wife and I finally got a spot for our son at a kindergarten. It doesn’t matter that he's a 9th-grader now, it's still a nice feeling.
Where do I need to go to transfer that spot over to our other kid, who's actually just about to start kindergarten?
I took in a boy from the streets yesterday. He's very weak... Starved, sick, thin as a rake...
I live alone, my wife is dead, my son is at war. I can't care for the kid. How can I get him into an orphanage?
This year, my son was finally allocated a place in kindergarten, but he doesn’t need it anymore. How do I officially turn it down?
Why do you want to turn it down?
My son was killed in action three years ago. Kindergarten won't do him much good now.
Can I collect my father's belongings? He turned 85 and we took him to the National Euthanasia Center yesterday, but the old loon decided to take grandpa’s gold watch in with him.
That thing is my inheritance!
I'd like to know when it'll be my turn to get free medicine. Last time I was at the doctor’s, she said that without medicine I won't last more than a couple of months. And I'm still number 3,267 on the list...
Hi! I recently got promoted to the position of grade-4 clerk, so now I’m entitled to increased rations for groceries and manufactured goods.
What documents do I need to bring in order to get them?
I'd like to donate my body to science. I heard you can get money for it, and I need to pay for my son's education.
You do realize that the payment is made... Well, after they... Receive your donation?
I'll do anything for science. And I’ll do double that for my son! What forms do I need to fill out?
Hi, I need Professor Zdanek's home address.
We don't give out that kind of information to unauthorized individuals.
I'm not unauthorized, I AM Professor Zdanek! I get a bit forgetful sometimes, and I can't seem to remember where I live.
And how can I help you?
I'd like the Ministry of Social Care to provide me with a note of my address. I'll put it in my passport, right next to my residence permit and housing information. That way, I’ll never lose it.
I want to change my job!
Why?
Lately, a lot of places have taken to paying employees in the products they make - instead of money.
And while it's an honor to serve our Great Motherland in the Sewage and Sanitation Union... You know... Can I be reassigned to the soap factory?
I know how to make our country great again! I want to be a minister! Where do I apply?
I would like to submit a request to register for a place on the waiting list for an annual salary increase.
Your name and employer.
Simon Atherton. I'm the junior assistant to a grade-3 senior deputy miner.
I'd like to work for the Ministry of Order.
Do you think you’re well-suited to that kind of work?
Of course! I love beating people up!
But that's not what the Ministry of Order does!
Really? One of my old buddies from the fight club thinks different. Let me speak to someone who knows more about it than you do!
I need a proof of income letter.
Doing your taxes?
I wish. My wife has demanded that I provide her with proof of my income every month, so she can manage our family budget. It was a mutual decision.
I'd like to know what my grocery ration will be if I work three shifts?
But three shifts is 24 hours.
I'm only 40, I can handle it!
Hi! I got a reassignment notice yesterday. It says I'll be packing boxes at the ammo plant.
Do you think it's a mistake?
Of course! I'm a qualified cardiac surgeon. Board-certified! What will working in a factory do to my fingers? I want to file for reassignment - at least to be a warehouse attendant!
Hi. I’ve just graduated from mining college. What vacancies do you have in the mines?
You’ve graduated from college and now you want to actually work IN the mines?
I heard miners make more than engineers, and I have to feed my family and pay off my student loans.
Hi, mister! I need a job!
I can be a courier, a ratcatcher, a janitor! I really need a job... My sister got hit by a car, and we really need money.
Hi! I need a referral for some career enhancement courses.
What's your area of expertise?
Don't have one, I'm unemployed. I just need a job. I call that “career enhancement”. Silly joke, I know.
Hi! I've brought ID photos, my university diploma and a reference from my previous employer. Can I apply to be a janitor now?
Hi! I want to patent a method of modernizing production and increasing the efficiency of our lathes by 5%!
Wow, a whole 5%?
Yes! If we electrify the lathes so that they electrocute their operators, they work faster! Here are my calculations - what should I do with them?
I want to be reassigned. I graduated from culinary college and should be working as a cook, not a welder.
The commission said that if I can blowtorch a meringue, then I can blowtorch metal. I disagree!
Our great people have a bright fire burning in their hearts, but we need more music in our souls. I want to start a folk accordionists’ club. Where do I get a license?
I have a pile of documents I need to give to the winners of an urban orienteering competition. I need the Minister of Culture and Sports to sign them. Can you help me?
I come from a line of well-known film directors. I want to make a sequel to Strain, because the first one was a flop.
I'll need 250 million, a personal car and a trip into space as a tourist. It’s a sequel, so everything needs to be twice as epic! Who's in charge here?
I have a brilliant idea for a new show! Let's take several people, divide them into two teams and send them off to war!
Every week, we'd give them cool missions - like infiltrating enemy lines and finding top-secret intel, or killing twenty enemies in four hours.
After three months, the team with the most surviving members wins! It's going to be the bomb! Who can make it happen?
I'm the conductor of an orchestra. And I need trumpet players.
What happened to your old ones?
One of them went to war. Another drinks every day as a result. The third simply vanished. If you don't get me trumpeters, the concert for the anniversary of the Great Leader's rise to power is doomed!
I'd also settle for runners and swimmers, as long as they have decent lungs.
Hi there! Our shooting team, the Leader's Falcons, wants to apply to take part in the Ministry of Order’s national championships!
Have you competed before?
No, but I guarantee we’ll massacre the competition!
I'm the manager of a band called The Mock Leaders. You've probably heard us on the radio. Please grant us a permit to put on three shows in Helmer.
Hi. I represent the seamstresses' trade union. We were promised ten tickets to a Mock Leaders concert, but only got five. I’d like to know what happened to the rest.
Hi! Please give me a permit to host a party at our House of Culture to mark the anniversary of the beginning of the war.
You're going to celebrate the beginning of the war?!
Where would we be now if it wasn’t for the war? We'd be rotting like the South Boreans.
Okay, here's the deal. ‘Cause of the war, the army’s taken all our racehorses to the Front.
The annual races are in a week, and the Deputy Leader's gonna be there. We don’t have anything to for him to watch.
What do you want?
I'd like to know if I can replace the horses with cyclists.
Hi, I'm a theatrical director. Recently, some people in uniforms showed up and demanded that I remove our production of “Pity” from the repertoire as, supposedly, “pity is vulgar”!
I need an official notice stating that my play has already passed the vulgarity screening process. Then I'll be able to fight them off once and for all!
Please add me to the list of candidates eligible to receive science grants. I've invented a new type of tank that can be used for farming during peacetime.
I call it The Tanktor.
My father-in-law came up with a device that distills alcohol from cattle manure. I want to patent it before he does. Can you help me?
Over the last year or so, I've noticed a not-insignificant increase in the temperature of our environment. Where can I submit an application to obtain a grant for my research into global warming?
Name and address?
Denis Guggenheim, 12 Rebellion St., by the Gray Geothermal Springs. That's my new address, I moved there a year or so ago.
Recently, a new subspecies of snail was discovered in the south of our great country. Unfortunately, since the locals don't care about whether its a new subspecies or an old one, they keep exterminating it as a pest.
We need to set up a nature reserve in order to save the only dragonlike pygmy snails in our country. Two square meters should suffice.
Where can I get funding for this grand snail-saving project?
Soon, our world will be plunged into darkness. The people need to know, so that they don't panic.
What's this about?
We've already made all the necessary preparations to minimize casualties. All you need to do is...
If you're talking about the apocalypse or an alien invasion, don't worry. We're prepared for those...
No, no, you misunderstand me. I work at the university. There's a solar eclipse coming up, and I have to warn everyone - so that they don't go blind looking at it unprotected.
A notice in the newspaper and a reminder on the TV news should be enough.
Hi! I've invented a way to turn coal, machine oil and flavor supplements into sausage. What forms do I need to fill out for the patent?
Sir! My Commander has sent me to get a diagram of some useless piece of trash or something.
Sorry?
My Commander has sent me to retrieve a diagram of some piece of crap that burned up in our radio station.
He also said your Ministry of Science and Technology is full of wimps and losers, because real men don't waste their time on that shit!
Hi! I'm writing a school paper on junk science, and want a permit to get a book called “Space Travel: Dream or Treachery?” from the special archives.