Hi, Evan! I bet you were expecting the kind of low-rent affair a bunch of miners might put together, eh? Ha ha ha!
Hi, Evan! I bet you were expecting the kind of low-rent affair a bunch of miners might put together, eh? Ha ha ha!
Pete Ferguson doesn’t do small - remember that. I spend a lot of time on preparations. For example, this time I thought long and hard about the theme of the party.
And what were the options?
At first I wanted to have a cemetery theme, but quickly thought better of it. Shovels, corpses, talking skulls and donkeys are, of course, funny.
But we need something “livelier” for a party. Do you get it? Ha ha!
Then I thought about a “Fight Club”. Picture it: fighting, blood, teeth on the floor, women squealing in delight and tearing off their clothes!
Sounds interesting! Why did you change your mind?
Turns out that no one here knows how to fight. The police only know how to beat people, and civilians only know how to lie there and whine about it. We already see that every day on our way to work, right?
So today we're just going to party hard! A sea of alcohol, drugs, and Viagra in the drinks are bound to have some impact - someone’s definitely going to lose their shit, and we'll have a good laugh about it! What do you think? Do you like my idea?
Responses
I like it
It’s amazing! Very cool!
You bet! Just wait and see - it’ll be mayhem!
That's stupid
You don't know anything about pleasure, Redgrave. A drilling war with your neighbor at the weekend is the most you can come up with!
What are you just standing there for, Redgrave? Have a look around, talk to people, convince them to do something crazy. I want this place to get crazy, you know?
What exactly do you want?
Last year, three drunken strippers drowned in a bath full of red caviar. And someone confused the main safe for a portaloo, so I had to order a new one.
The year before, we pumped some dwarfs full of helium and shot frozen chickens at them from a big slingshot. Ha-ha-ha-ha! We fed the people, so to speak!
Just don't repeat our mistake by bringing a goat to the party. Those stupid animals don’t differentiate between bosses and the rest of the riff-raff. They headbutt everyone just the same.
Anyway, Evan. I expect you to breathe some life into this party. Let's set this place on fire! You can take that literally, if you have to.
Talk to someone else who can still put two words together, Redgrave! I want unbridled fun and wild laughter!
Well, Evan. The party will end by itself, don't worry. Sooner or later, everyone will fall asleep right where they’re standing.
Let's see how you got on.
Good job! You hyped things up and did a lot of utterly shameful things that we can reminisce about later!
Respect, man! I think I can trust you to organize the next party!
Congratulations! You can safely say that you’re in good standing with Comrade Ferguson himself!
You wasted my time and ruined everything! No one asked you to help those idiots! All the madness of the party was dampened by your miserable sanity!
Go home. And remember, I don't like you! I’ll figure out what to do with you later.
Heeeeey! Shhhh! Beautiful gentlemaaaaaann! Could ya tern me and, hic, my calleague over? We feel soooooo baaaaaaad...
How did you get so drunk?
They worrrned me that you can't drank anything here cause it's all a liiiiie. Now I have v-v...vomit everywhare and my frand has a boner... I’ll drown in my vomit and lose my degnity...
What dignity are you talking about? Someone’s drawn genitals on your face!
I did thah maself so that nobady would drow smthing worse... Help... blllaaarrrggghh... I'm dyiiiing.... hiiiccc...
Responses
Help
Draw a second sexual organ on his face
Fine, I’ll turn you and your colleague over. Otherwise you really will choke to death...
You are a rill saviar! Thankyyyyy....
Bassstard! Hope you diee bllaaarggggh.... kkh-kh-kx.... gllppppp... Khhhhhh...
Sarry, I wan't remember ya tamorow, but sank you agablllaaaarrrgggh.....
The site of two dead bodies covered in vomit - and with a lasting, prominent erection, no less - is an eerie one for sure.
Hey! You! Yes, yes, you! Please bring me something to drink! I've been dancing non-stop, and no one will even give me a glass of water! Help me, I need water so much...
Responses
Give water
Give vodka
You saved me! Now I can stop chewing these pills and flush them down with water!
Can you imagine how stupid I looked before? Thank you! Now I can keep dancing for another 12 hours!
What is this?! Vodka?! I have so many different pills in me that alcohol will finish me off!
You’ve killed me, you bastard! Burn in hell for that! Worst of all, I'm dying to this pop song! Where’s the rock and roll, damn it?!
My knight in shining armor! You’re the only one who didn’t leave this damsel in distress! This dance is for you, baby! Look, I can clap with my boobs! You clap your eyes on me, and I’ll clap right back!
A dead young woman. How sad. I hope that’s what Ferguson wanted, or it was all for nothing.
Hey, pal! Give me a light, eh? I stole a cigar from the boss's desk. I’ve always wanted to try one.
Why are you all wet? And you smell like...
Comrade Ferguson organized a contest called “Who can have sex in a barrel of whiskey?” Well, we won.
Wow! How was it?
Not as cool as it sounds. Everything is burning... everywhere... still... well, you know... But most importantly, we won and now we'll definitely get that promotion!
Enough questions! I don't know about you, but I always want to smoke after sex. So will you give me a light or not?
Responses
Advise them to wash
I don't want to seem rude, pointing out the obvious, but... You’re both dripping with alcohol. Do you want to burn to death at work or what?
What are you talking about, pal?
If I give you a light, you’ll burn up. I mean that literally. I don’t know how else to explain that to two drunk people.
Daaaamn! You're right! Thank you! Maybe we should go change our clothes at least.
Give him a light
Aaaaaaa...
I wonder if this is what Comrade Ferguson meant when he said “Let's set this place on fire”?
Do you know what to do with these pills?
What pills?
Comrade Ferguson gave us red and blue pills and said: “Choose between the painful truth of reality and the blissful uncertainty of illusion”.
How did you manage to remember that?
I just took some other pills before that. So what should we take? I really want Comrade Ferguson to notice us! Who knows, maybe he'll give us a promotion!
Responses
Red (reality)
It's time you came back to reality, guys. There’s nothing good here for anyone.
He's right! We've been coming to these parties year after year, and there are never any promotions - only humiliations.
That's true. Let's go home before we dance ourselves to death.
Blue (illusions)
It's a party, so have fun! Maybe you'll get noticed if you dance till you drop!
You're right, damn it! Time for some energetic dancing!
Dubstep! Now everyone will see who's the real b-boy here! Let's party till the sun comes up!
Shove that contemporary shit back up your ass! Check out my electro dance!!!
Electro was popular back in the 30s! Floss is all the rage now! Although I don't know what it is! Let's rrrroooock!
Hey, Redgrave! Want to make a toast? Everyone’ll be listening. Here's the microphone. But it’s not free, you know.
But Comrade Ferguson will definitely hear you.
Responses
To the Wise Leader
Let's drink to the one who makes all of this possible! To the one who tirelessly watches over us, everywhere and always, who gives us a sense of security and involvement in a great cause! To our leader, to the Wise Leader!
You're such a bore! Making an official speech during the informal part of the event is so dumb!
To Comrade Ferguson, the best comrade in the world!
Let's drink to the man with a capital F! To the one whose work continues to break profitability records in a place where no profitability was planned at all!
To the one who never ceases to amaze us with his incredible ideas and amazing parties! To the one for whom we would gladly die, especially dancing!
To the one and only, inimitable, and unbe-freaking-lievably cool Comrade Ferguson! Hurrah!
That was Evan Redgrave, everyone! Hey, Evan! Get your tongue out of the boss’s ass-crack and give me that microphone back!
I don't have time to talk about this.
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