Beat it! I have no time to waste on you!
Beat it! I have no time to waste on you!
Look what the cat dragged in! Eyes burning, chest all puffed out. This must be the newcomer the dearly departed Hemnitz was schlepping around the office yesterday.
Do you know the most important thing you have to figure out during your first days in the office, rookie?
What?
It's who you are, buddy. Are you a wombat or a sun bear?
Responses
Wombat
I'm a wombat... whatever that means.
I knew you were just a dumb ol' herbivore! So you'll be hiding your fat ass in your burrow while the others fight for a place in the sun, huh?
Sun bear
I'm a sun bear... Whatever that means.
So am I. Smart choice! We're small, but highly dangerous. And we're a dying breed in this office full of wombats!
I believe that predators like us should stick together to keep the herbivore population under control.
What the...?
Wombat? Sun bear? What the hell are you talking about?!
It's an elementary question, buddy! Are you a fat and harmless marsupial hiding in a hole? Or a strong and dangerous bear that can take on even a tiger?
You office monkeys are so ignorant! Haven't any of you been to Austrania or Nalaysia?
Have you?
Ah, well, uh... no. But my father often traveled there and told me some things... He promised to take me with him some day, but...
It's a long story! So, buddy, are you a herbivore or a predator?
Responses
Predator
So am I. Smart choice! We're small, but highly dangerous. And we're a dying breed in this office full of wombats!
I believe that predators like us should stick together to keep the herbivore population under control.
Herbivore
I knew you were a silly wombat! So you'll be hiding your fat ass in your burrow while the others fight for a place in the sun, huh?
Anyway, welcome to our snake pit! We'll soon see what you are.
I wonder - will you grow long claws and a hard shell or offer up that soft, fluffy belly for someone else to sink their teeth into.
Responses
Get acquainted
I'm Evan Redgrave.
Redgrave? The son of Caleb Redgrave? Wow!
I'm not sure whether I should keep you close or tell you to get lost.
Why?
Buddy, it's just your second day at the Ministry and there are already too many dead bodies around you.
Responses
Ask about Hemnitz
End conversation
What do you want? Go on. What? Yes? Evan?
What do you want? Go on. What? Yes? Evan?
Responses
Discuss The Walking Boreans
Tell him about the pranks
Talk about pranks on Dong
Refuse to prank
Discuss a prank involving Emma
Talk about the biometric safe
Give the envelope from the man on the street
Talk about business
Talk about stimulants
Talk about stimulants
Give stimulants
Tell about the confiscation of stimulants
Find out what he wants
Ask about money
Ask for girls’ numbers
Ask what happened
Ask about Window 101
Talk about the explosion
General chat
End conversation
Marco, look... It's about Emma...
What? Have you been messing around with her, man? I'm sure that wasn't too difficult. She's very open to... ahem... making new acquaintances.
Well... Yeah, that happened.
Well done, you dog you! High five!
And how was she? Worth hitting on or... does she belong in an aquarium?
What?! An aquarium?
Buddy, you're not too bright for a married man who just ploughed his co-worker in the back room.
I'm asking, is she a starfish in bed?
That's not what I'm talking about, you goddamn horndog! I've got this itching and burning all over my... well...
Hahaha! What a fun turn of events! A round of applause for Redgrave! Hilarious!
Go to hell! I wanted to warn you... as a friend...
Calm down, buddy. Thank you, thank you, and thank you! For the warning, for giving me the opportunity to gloat, and for cheering me up!
I watched an episode of The Walking Boreans. What an epic show!
Did you see how Sgutich's group purged that brothel at the border? It was so awesome!
And you know what the best part is? I’ve been there! Can you believe it? I visited that place - it really exists!
Really?
Of course! I went to the capital with my pops, and while the old man went about his business, I spent the whole time in that brothel!
By the way, I didn’t get how that infection detector is supposed to work? I thought the antipatriotism virus couldn’t be detected.
Does it matter? You’re too smart for your own good, Redgrave!
I’m just having some fun! It caught my attention, that’s all - that show is really good!
Something awesome happens in every episode!
I need that safe, Marco!
Didn't we have a deal? You have to prank Dong! He’ll cry with shame, I’ll cry with joy, and you’ll cry with happiness after getting the letter. Everyone wins!
Is there no other way?
There is…
Tell me!
That's no fun! Can't the “son of Redgrave” think of something on his own?
You don't want to play a prank on Dong - then I don't want to give you the mini-safe.
But I need it!
And I need a promotion!
Well I can’t do anything about that!
With your standing in the Ministry? Don't make me laugh!
Legrand always keeps his word! There you go! You've earned it!
Responses
Persuade him to give you the biometric safe
Persuade him to give you the biometric safe use your friendship
Back
Do you really want to mess with “the son of Redgrave”? Why don't you just give me the safe and let’s be done with it.
A bit jumpy, aren’t we? You must have ratted me out to security already!
I can deal with my problems on my own...
Atta boy! Fine, take your safe. I’ve had enough of this anyway… I couldn't open it.
When was the last time you had a look at the entrance the Ministry? Whatever value your name once had was scraped off the sidewalk long ago.
Marco, give me the safe. It’s very important to me.
Do you remember what Colonel Sgutich said when he broke into that brothel in The Walking Boreans?
Not really...
“You bitches are too nice to mess around with!”, Hahaha! Take your little box, buddy, I don't need it!
Although those “bitches” did nearly eat him alive a second later...
Evan, do you remember what Colonel Sgutich said when he broke into that brothel in The Walking Boreans?
Not really...
He said: “Everything has a price, even a knuckle sandwich!”.
And what does that have to do with the letter?
You're a good guy, Evan, and so am I - somewhere deep down... But I can't give you this box just like that. It goes against my principles!
You look gloomy today, did something happen?
Huh? That old man is driving me crazy with his bloody calls! He called me at work to find out how I'm doing here.
Wait, what old man? Tell me exactly who called you and what happened.
My father! He's pestering me about marriage and children. Decrepit old prick! Says I can forget about my inheritance until I get married and give him some grandchildren!
That's rough!
Well, I think I'll go back to work.
Wait! I have an idea! Call my old man and tell him that I have a girlfriend and we’re getting married soon! He won't believe me, but your surname should be enough to convince him!
I don't really want to.
I'll pay you!
How much?
300! That’s all I have.
Fine! Give me the money and the phone number.
Here! The old geezer's name is Henry.
Responses
Talk about the inheritance
So you’re only working here because of your father’s inheritance, Marco?
That’s my business, I’m not going to discuss it with you!
Father doesn’t give me any money. I have no choice but to rot in here.
Even if the old codger kicks the bucket, I’ll get nothing.
I mean, what’s his deal? If only he changed his mind and started giving me money, I’d be outta here in a second - screw the Ministry!
Talk about family
What does your family think about your work?
I wouldn’t be here at all if it wasn’t for my dear relatives!
And your wife?
My wife? I only deal with other people's wives. Haha! No way am I gonna to put a collar on with some inscription like “This turkey was ringed on whatever day of whatever month.”
Leave that shit to the ones who're too old to have fun.
Tell Legrand about the “present” from Hazer
Ask about favorite TV show
What TV shows do you watch?
TV shows? Why, The Walking Boreans, of course!
Haven't heard of it…
Are you for real? It’s the best show of all time!
What is it about?
Well, the Boreans have planted saboteurs among our ranks who go around biting people, and everyone they bite becomes a Borean! Just imagine! You wake up one morning surrounded by Boreans and you get to shoot them with a shotgun! Cool, right?
Wow! And how do you tell a Borean from a non-Borean?
Haven't you read the bulletins from the Ministry of Truth? It’s all in there!
Well, yeah… So what’s the plot?
Well, there's this big tough guy called Sgutich - every episode he beats the shit out of someone. I love it! Blood and teeth flying all over the place! And at the end he always says: “The Leader will be pleased!”. I love that guy!
Ask about dating
Marco, how do you hit on girls?
What, now you wanna pick up hotties in the club?
I'm married. But that doesn't mean I can't listen to tales of other people's love lives.
Sure thing, buddy! Marco Legrand has plenty of stories like that. Listen and learn!
I met this one on the subway. I'm on the way home from work, and I'm sitting there with my shoulders squared and legs crossed, and I'm whistling some little ditty, you know.
And she gets in at Great Revolution station, stands opposite me with her eyes fixed on the floor - a shy one, of course.
So I jump up, all fancy and gentlemanly, take her arm, and offer her my seat. Tell her, “I was keeping it warm for you, my little minnow” and other crap like that...
Little by little, I persuade her to come back to my place “to feed the fish”. I've never even owned a fish tank - we just somehow got carried away with the fish thing.
Long story short, we went back to my place, and she's all fluttering her eyelids and saying stuff like: “Where's your salmon?” Well, I'm no fool. I opened a year-old can of sprats, and we were “feeding” them with breadcrumbs for half an hour. Can you believe that?
Then she finally realized why I invited her back. Hahaha! I had her hook, line and sinker!
How do you do that so easily? Doesn’t your mouth ever dry up like... like you've just eaten an unripe persimmon?
There's no secret to it, buddy. Have a swig of something strong, and your tongue'll loosen up.
Hm, that's an idea...
Talk about work
You're a bore if you talk about work at work. Basically, everyone steals and takes bribes.
Responses
Ask what he does
I don't work. I have fun. They won't fire me ‘cause of my dad. Paperwork's not really my thing.
There are other ways to climb the career ladder.
Which ways?
Well, I'd planned to hit on the boss’s daughter and use her to move higher up. It didn't work.
Why?
Because, my friend, for this brilliant plan to work, the boss would need to have a daughter.
How is it here, in general?
It's a rat race! Look around you - whiners, losers, girls past their prime and other dregs of humanity. May they live happily and die majestically. Tomorrow, preferably.
Ask about bribes
If everyone takes bribes, should I do it too?
Take it! With a second's hesitation! You'll never earn honest money here. Our salaries aren't enough to live on, unless you've got a rich dad to support you - like me.
Though I don't have any money coming in either. The well's dried up. But my old man's still alive, unlike yours. Unfortunately.
And do you take bribes?
Well, I never refuse to help people if they ask politely, haha!
And most importantly, buddy, you don't have to send every last penny up to the top. Something might just stick to your hands, if you know what I mean.
Ask about theft
These rats will take anything that's not nailed to the floor! Though sometimes they take the nails, too.
Don't they get caught?
They can get caught if they say the wrong thing about the Leader, but not for anything as trivial as theft. On that topic, this badge used to be Dong's.
You stole it?
Yup. I'd hoped to make him angry and have a bit of fun. But that loser just burst into tears.
Back
Talk about colleagues
Tell me about the people who work here.
What do you want to know?
Responses
Talk about Peter Dong
Why don't you like Peter?
Me? Don't like that wombat? I adore him! All those sincere little emotions of his are priceless!
I don't think he likes that.
Buddy, we're living in the most democratic state in the world, where everyone is free to mock their compatriots as much as they like.
That goes for everyone, you understand? Nobody's stopping Dong from getting his own back.
But he can't, isn't that obvious?
That's the beauty of it, man. I get to do all the mocking for the both of us!
I wouldn't have expected something like that from Dong. His departure was impressive. Now I’ve got no one to mess with...
Don’t even think about it.
You have as much empathy as a concrete slab. Not interested. But Peter was…
It was fun messing around with him, and now that he’s gone, it means that I won't be here much longer either.
Why’s that?
I’m one step closer to promotion.
Talk about Emma Hazer
What do you think of Emma?
She's a rare breed!
Seriously? I must’ve misheard you, because it sounded like you just said a good word about someone.
You just didn’t let me finish, buddy! What makes her rare is that she’s the only woman I know who looks better with her mouth closed instead of open.
Don't get me wrong. She's nice to look at, especially from behind.
Every time she starts talking, I start wanting to throw up or drown myself in some cheap booze - anything to escape her whining and constant babbling on about TV shows.
Have you got a thing for her?
Just asking.
Well, well... Listen, buddy! If you're into dumb single moms looking for a husband, go for it!
I heard Emma left the office.
She sure did! Swindled my old man and now she’s running things in my home! She even brought her children. Apparently, all he can think about in his old age is having kids.
Well, you told me yourself that he wanted grandchildren. I guess the old man decided to take matters into his own hands.
Curse his hands! I went to visit them recently... I mean, do you understand?! I was a guest in my own home! I stayed with them for a couple of hours and aged a couple of years!
And he just looks around happily and says how cozy the place has gotten, with the children running around and laughing! I can still hear the laughter and the trampling of feet ringing in my ears. He even gave them my room!
And this Hazer. Am I supposed to call her mom now? She was flirting with me not that long ago... Or was that just my imagination?
Of course, now there’s one less candidate for the promotion, but what's the point now? The old man’s probably already added Emma's bastards to his will.
You mean you don’t want a promotion anymore?
You wish! A promotion is now the only thing that can save me from being stuck in this hole.
I heard Emma left the office.
Yeah, I’ve heard! She found herself a man and went to live with him in some village. Well, good riddance! At least she won't be an eyesore around here any longer and won't be shaking her ass in front of our superiors! I know how she got their attention!
Although it's a shame... I came up with such a great prank, but it won't work without Hazer.
I heard Emma left the office.
Really? Well, that's great! One less competitor for promotion! Not that I was worried about her - that dumb wench was no match for me - but you know what I mean, right?
Although it's a shame... I came up with such a great prank, but it won't work without Hazer.
Talk about Magda Rakovich
What do you think of Magda Rakovich?
The Gorgon? I'd quite happily run her over with a tank.
Why the hostility towards her?
When you have to work with a colleague like that, you'll understand! That's if she doesn't just devour you whole along with all the other shit. She's ruined so many careers! Too many to count.
But she's just a secretary, isn't she?
She's got the boss wrapped around her little finger. I'm pretty sure he's afraid of her. And everyone needs to remember that.
If I didn't like you, I ‘d have suggested that you tell her to go screw herself on your first day. And I would've enjoyed watching her rip your guts out.
What do you think of Magda Rakovich?
The great news is that I won't have to get my hands dirty. I swear, just a little while longer and I would have strangled her with my bare hands!
Talk about the boss
What do you think about the boss?
He's not a girl. Why should I think anything about him at all?
But we report to him...
Marco Legrand reports only to himself! And it's just a matter of time until that fat sack of shit gets what's coming to him. I'll be taking his place soon, you'll see!
Responses
Learn more
What’s stopping you from taking his place right now?
Everything is in his hands right now. The power on this floor - and the money too. If I had that much money, I would buy the whole Ministry!
Why?
When you have that much money, Evan, the question “Why?” becomes “Why not?”.
Back
Back
Talk about father
Did you know my father?
No. I had no need to. If he'd had a juicy daughter instead of a scrawny son, if he hadn't decided to put his flying skills to the test, if I worked several floors higher... then he would've been of interest to me.
That's a few too many “ifs”, don't you think?
I've got one more for you: if my father was dead, I'd be living it up off my inheritance - and I wouldn't shed a single tear.
Talk about promotion
Why do you want a promotion?
I like the boss's office. I'll be able to summon the bad girls there and give them a real dressing down. A real dressing down, I said. Hahaha! Get it? That's funny, isn't it?
Back
What happened to Hemnitz?
Didn't you see?
I did, but I'm not sure I understand...
There's nothing to understand. He might've failed to meet his quota or had some problems with the boss. The main thing is that there's no more Hemnitz.
Responses
Ask about the biometric safe
Did you happen to see a biometric safe in his hands?
Hemnitz asked me get a letter and a biometric safe from his belongings when he was being taken away. But I only just remembered about the letter.
Where is it?
Not so fast, buddy. I'm not your postman - nobody pays me to deliver your mail. I have a great idea! Poor Peter Dong seems pretty upset about Hemnitz. Looks like he’s about to cry. And who are we if not sympathetic colleagues? I think we should try and cheer him up. Let's play a little prank on him!
Us?
Yeah! But you do the pranking, and we both do the laughing. You want the safe, don't you? So let's get on with it! Take Dong for a ride and it's yours! Fair and square!
Responses
Agree
My sense of humor isn't as refined or subtle as yours.
Emotions are the key. Find Dong's weaknesses and take advantage of them.
Refuse
I refuse.
Think about it carefully. Don’t you want this wonderful little box, complete with fingerprint scanner?
Responses
Change your mind and agree
My sense of humor isn't as refined or subtle as yours.
Emotions are the key. Find Dong's weaknesses and take advantage of them.
Refuse
I'm not interested.
I thought you were a predator, but you’re just another herbivore.
Refuse and insult
Your pranks are shitty, just like your haircut and personality.
You shouldn't really talk to me like that…
Me.
I put beetles in his desk. You must have heard him screaming.
His cries are a sweet melody to these ears! Poor Peter's afraid of a couple of ordinary bugs! Good job, Redgrave!
Dong drank coffee laced with a laxative. Next time I'll hang an “Out of Service” sign on the toilet door.
I love these little japes! They really let us see how people open up and let loose.
Open up? Let loose? Get it? Hahahaha!
Now I can call him Peter the Excreter!
I sent a love letter to Hazer from Dong's terminal!
Oh yeah! That was cool! Peter went so red I thought he was going to catch fire, and I nearly died laughing!
Hey, you're not so bad. But I'm still better! Come by tomorrow, I'll tell you how to play some pranks on Peter!
I have a great idea for a prank! Everyone knows that Dong is crazy about Emma. We have to use that, man! Here's what you do: persuade Hazer to invite Dong into the toilets to fool around. And then pull his pants down! That'll be hilarious!
Responses
Agree
It certainly will. I'll talk to Emma and find a way to persuade her.
Great, buddy!
Back
I think that's going too far! I'm out.
Are you afraid, chicken? You disappoint me.
I did what we agreed on.
Yeah, that was fun. He ran through the office in his underpants! I almost pissed myself laughing!
You're awesome! I even feel sorry for Peter. Well... A little bit sorry. But it's the law of nature. Someone must suffer to make us happy.
Marco, I was thinking... I don't want to prank Peter, I'm sorry. He’s a nice guy and he’s done nothing wrong to me.
Aww... Just look at that, our herbivore’s getting all wimpy!
Responses
Refuse
I’m not going to toy with people. I'm not interested.
I see! I thought you were a predator, but you're a dumb herbivore... chewing away without a clue!
Refuse and insult
You're a fool, Legrand! You always have been a fool, and you always will be a fool!
What?
You heard me! You're a miserable, worthless skid mark! No one likes you because you're full of shit!
Are you insane, Redgrave? Who do you think you're talking to?
Responses
Destroy him with words
You do not know what love or friendship are, and you don’t know how to appreciate kindness.
Shut up!
You're a stupid cowardly boy who’s hidden behind his father's back his whole life...
Even Peter Dong is more respected than you, Marco…
No one dares compare me to Dong!
Compare you to Dong? Dong is a cut above you in every way! He has much better chances of getting a promotion or a girl than you do.
Last warning, jerk!
I think your father would have preferred to have Peter Dong as his son. Because he doesn't love you, and never has.
That's it! You're dead, Redgrave!
Back out of dangerous conversation
You fell for it?! Hahaha! Marco, you should see the look on your face! It's priceless!
Holy shit, Evan! Don't joke with me like that! I almost shot you!
Come on, man! That was a good one, wasn't it?
Fine. Well played, you son of a bitch! Haha!
Change your mind and continue playing pranks
A herbivore? Me? Just wait and see what I can do with my pranks... I’ll eat this Dong alive!
Hey buddy. The way I see it, you're a good guy, but not that great with money. Want some help?
No, thanks. I don't borrow money from my colleagues.
You're a proud kind of guy! I like that.
Who says I'm offering you money? I'm offering you business. I need to get something into the Ministry without anyone finding out. You help me, and I help you.
You mentioned some business.
I did. So, will you help me with a little tiny bit of smuggling?
Responses
Learn more
Tell me.
Alright, man! There are these substances that relieve fatigue and make people cheerful. They aren't what you'd call legal, but they're highly effective. There's a demand here - these people are working themselves to death.
My dealer's outside, my customers are inside, and the entrance guards are between them. Got it?
No? Bring the stimulants into the Ministry.
But how do I bring them inside?
You figure it out! Make a deal with someone or try it yourself, if you're not a coward. I'll pay you well.
Back
Let's talk about it later.
So, did you cut a deal with someone? Or just decide to do the job yourself?
Responses
Peddler
I arranged it with Serena Marwitz, the peddler. She's going to hide it between her buns and bring it in.
The ones she sells or those hard old ones under her skirt? Hahaha! Whatever. She's gotta do what she's gotta do.
Come back tomorrow, we'll see how it goes.
Guard
I arranged everything with the guard at the entrance.
Good. We'll discuss it tomorrow.
Do it yourself
I'll do it myself.
My dealer'll be waiting for you at the entrance tomorrow. He'll give you the medicine. You'll give it to me.
Back
I need a little more time to think.
Don't take too long, buddy.
What do you want?
Responses
Buy stimulants
Marco, I want to buy some stimulants off you.
I’m not such a fool that I’d sell them myself. Talk to the gardener on the bridge.
Ask about profit
How’s business?
Meh. If I start offering stimulants to just anyone, security will shut me down in no time - so I don’t get a lot of clients. And I need a lot of money!
Back
Did you bring it, Evan?
Yeah, did it myself.
I don't know how on earth you did it, you lucky bastard.
No, I left them somewhere.
Marco, I failed. They confiscated the goods at the checkpoint. I don't know what I was counting on... luck, probably.
Your plan was just to carry the goods through the scanner? If it was that simple, I wouldn't need idiots like you! Well, I suppose we won't be doing business together.
What do you want?
How would you like to improve your financial status?
What are you talking about?
Do you need the money or don't you? There's a nice n' easy little job for you. You don't even have to leave the Ministry.
Responses
Agree
What do I need to do?
Listen up. Our colleagues are good people, but awful clients for my business! They prefer living clean and healthy, they refuse to smoke or drink, and they love the Leader.
I love the Leader too.
Everyone loves the Leader! But I've got a whole batch of drugs that shouldn't sit around here for too long, understand?
And what's the problem?
The problem is that our workaholic colleagues are afraid to try them. I need you to tell them how just how beautiful the world looks after taking a dose.
So, should I put up flyers or what?
You're close. As you know, my father is a big cheese in the coal business, and he got me the job here - which means I'm under supervision.
You're a whole different kettle of fish. You're not well-known and you have an honest, trustworthy face. Like on one of those “The Father-Leader needs YOU!” posters.
Talk to your colleagues, tell a couple of stories about how these vitamins improve your performance, potency, cup size, whatever...
Vitamins?
Vitamins, gummy bears, whatever it takes! Anything will do! I need a market, man, and I hope you can provide it.
If anyone's interested, sell them the medicine and then send them on to me. Keep the money for yourself. Here you go.
Refuse
I don't have time.
Come back when you're free.
Marco, someone asked me to pass an envelope on to you. Here it is.
Responses
Give him the envelope
Thanks for the favor, Evan. You're a fearless guy who knows where not to stick his nose, if you know what I mean.
If I were you, I would have poked my nose in that envelope for sure.
Give him the envelope
You opened it? Then you know all about my business.
Want to work together?
Talk later
It seems I left it somewhere, I'll bring it later.
Hi, Marco! Ferguson told me to collect the money.
Are you his errand boy now?
It’s not my place to argue with the boss.
There’s no arguing with that fat bastard...
So what about the money?
I don’t have any money. We’re in a recession and the market is stagnating - do you even know that term?
Hi, Marco! I need two girls who’d agree to do anything! It’s urgent!
Man, me too! Let me know if you find any, okay?
I’m serious! Ferguson told me to find him a couple of women for the evening.
So, that fat pig has decided to go hog wild, eh?
Will you help me or not?
Alright, Redgrave! Marco Legrand will save you. And free of charge, for the record! But in return, you tell me everything that goes on in Ferguson’s office, down to the smallest detail. Deal?
Do you think Ferguson’s going to let me stay in the office while he’s having his fun? Or should I bug the place?
Can you do that?
Marco!
Just kidding! Here you go, and don’t forget my kindness!
Do you know anything about Window 101?
No.
Hear about the explosion in the new wing? Horrifying, right?
Pff, you think that’s horrifying? One time at the brothel they gave me a one-legged, three-breasted “woman” with no front teeth! That explosion is nothing.
But people died!
So what? People die every day! That Page is really something! They say he spent a whole month assembling the bomb right here in the Ministry. Said it was going to be a portable Shredder.
And the bastard wasn’t lying! He shredded himself along with the whole wing! Not bad!
Have a nice day. Good luck Goodbye See you
And you. Get out, kid! Uh-huh
I don't have time to talk about this.
Codes required:
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Connections
Achievements
Extended Friendship