SAY HELLO

Allow me to introduce myself! My name is Hector Medina. I'm the new building manager.

My name is Khan van Megeren.

I'm an alternative medicine professional and an honored health care worker in our great nation.

I'm here to attend the medical academic conference. I'll be sharing my experiences and expertise.

It's great to finally have a doctor as a tenant!

My services are by no means cheap. I do only photo diagnosing for free.

Is that possible?

Nothing is impossible for a man like me. I've spent many years opening chakras and developing the mind's eye!

Pardon my ignorance, but what is alternative medicine?

Alternative medicine is health care at its most advanced! Traditional doctors and their medicines have misled our people for decades.

Medicines like aspirin and antibiotics don't help people, they harm them!

But antibiotics save lives! They're the only remedy for infection when the body can't heal itself.

You see? You're a victim of the propaganda! All those so-called drugs only interfere with the human biofield and hinder our connection to the universe!

Alternative medicine is based on the theory that there's no need to treat the body; you only have to release its internal reserves!

Our world contains endless sources of energy; you just need to learn how to tap into to them!

So, how do you open these reserves when a patient is seriously ill?

It's simple! I have dozens of exclusive ointments and balms which are guaranteed to restore anyone to health!

But they should only be used if fasting and urine therapy don't help.

What? Did you say "urine therapy?"

Why are you surprised? The human body contains everything it needs in order to health itself!

I can see the people in our country accepting the idea of curative fasting, but drinking urine? Are you serious?

The problem is you are stuck in your outdated understanding of medicine.

Why, you probably think vaccinations are a good idea!

What's wrong with vaccinations? How else can we prevent diseases?

Certainly not by inoculating healthy people with malignant bacteria! It's barbaric!

Thankfully, due to the shortage of antibiotics in this country, more and more citizens are turning to alternative methods of healing.

Hello, Khan! I, um, need your help.

Ah ha! Have you finally decided to explore the wonders of alternative medicine? I have remedies for every occasion!

All of them are charged with the positive energy of earth, air, water and fire, as evidenced in my certificates.

What do you think about the general populace being required to donate blood?

It's a wicked practice. What if they bedevil you? I never even throw away my hair or nail clippings. I keep them at home.

Professor Louser issued a report recently about the devastating effect of donkey dung on the human body.

If you soak it in human blood, the blood will become diseased, even if you're a hundred miles away from someone!

How can I entrust my blood to anyone? Nobody knows, after all, what they'll do with it later!

However, everyone is required to donate.

I should have prepared an invisibility balm a long time ago to hide from the authorities when they come to enforce these orders!

By the way, your receding hairline attracts too much attention. Do you want to buy a hair growth paste for your head? Hair might also grow on your back, but I have a hair remover as well. I'll sell you both bottles at a discount!

No thanks. I'm fine with the amount of hair on my head.

Your loss. They say a bald head is a sign of a restless soul.

Could you help me with something? I have a friend who's hopelessly in love with someone...

I don't believe in love potions, but he's desperate and willing to resort to any method...

Hmmm... I could come up with something... But I'll need a favor in return!

What do you want?

My research on neurolinguistic programming and aromatherapy symbiosis is quite expensive.

I'd like to you to help me make the money I need.

I have a box of my patented anti-itch tinctures, but I can't sell them to people who are feeling fine. I need to create, ummm, a market for them...

How are we supposed to do that?

I have an old blanket full of bedbugs from my last residence. I cut it up and put the pieces into plastic bags...

You place one bag under each bed in your building, and when your tenants start to complain, I'll sell them my tincture!

Are you crazy? That would be a horrible thing to do, not to mention illegal!

Come on! De jure, it would be nothing more than a petty offense.

A petty offense?

Yes, and I'll pay you handsomely for helping me pull this off: $3,000!

After I sell my tinctures, you can call the exterminators and arrange to have the apartments disinsected. Is it a deal?

I fulfilled your request. The bed bug bags are in place. Now, it's time for you to make good on your end of the bargain.

Thank you! You did me a solid! I'm going to sell every last one of my tinctures! Here's your money.

Thank you! Now, what about your help with the love potion?

Bring me a personal item of the victim.

Victim?

I mean patient! I need something personal to make the potion work.

I have a strange request. Do you by chance have a parrot - either alive or stuffed?

Believe it or not, that's not the strangest request I've heard.

I don't have a parrot, but I do have a stuffed crow! It'll work even better than a parrot! You won't have to feed it, it won't shit everywhere and it can't fly away. It'll be an excellent investment!

Tell me about your work, Khan.

I've devoted my life to healing people and studying the miraculous laws of our world...

Both the obvious and the hidden ones. The stupids believe that the laws of physics and chemistry rule this world. What feeble minds!

So what rules this world?

Secret forces and mystical energies! And Master Talapoin, of course!

What kind of miraculous laws? And who?!

The higher a person's consciousness ascends, the more his or her life improves! It's possible to advance one's level of consciousness in just a few months.

We even have an official club with membership fees and ID cards.

Talapoin is the ruler of the Galactic Empire. He introduced the universal laws millions of years ago. These laws are still in operation today on our world!

I see... I've heard of one of such law...

It's called the Law of the Transformation of Human Stupidity into Bank Notes. Have you heard of it?

I like your sense of humor, Hector.

So you don't have a proper job?

You're predictable, Hector. Countless people have meaningless jobs. Why must I be a sheep, falling in line with the herd?

Have you heard about the Blissful Sleep procedure?

What a sick procedure! It's such an inhuman solution to the challenge of old age!

...

Elderly people could take part in experiments!

Just imagine the resources that are wasted and the discoveries we could make! Just think of all the potions they could test!

Do you want something?

What the hell, Hector? You brought me a bed bug bag, too? My bed is full of tiny bloodsuckers!

So use your tincture!

That's not funny! I'm not going to waste my products on myself! Do something, Hector! Call the exterminators at once!

A potion of yours has killed a man!

That can't be true! My potions are 100 percent safe - assuming you follow the instructions...

What instructions?!

The instructions on the bottle. If this person had read them, he would have known the potion should be consumed only under a full moon...

...while lying down with one's head pointed north! It's not my fault he didn't take what the label says seriously!

A potion of yours has killed a man!

It wasn't the potion that killed him, it was his own fear!

But the potion was supposed to help him overcome his fear!

Sometimes, even alternative medicine can't help someone.

Stop it, Hector. He would have died anyway, with or without the remedy. We have only lanced a deadly abscess on his soul.

You goddamn quack!

You're lucky that Saturn is in the Seventh House today. My astrologer says I can brush off any insult.

The warming potion you gave me nearly burned Rosa Ranek!

But that's what I said it would do, right? It's warming and stimulating, making her as good as new!

A potion of yours has killed a man!

The potion didn't killed him, guilt did. See the warnings listed on the label!

"Do not use if you have strong feelings of guilt and your lifeline crosses your fate line on your left hand."

It's not my fault when victims - I mean patients - ignore the instructions!

A potion of yours has killed a man!

I told you what the dosage should be: three drops diluted in 50 liters of water! I'm not responsible for those who ignore my instructions!

How can you be so calm? Johanne exploded!

Johanne Bessler became Johanne Burns!

Is that supposed to be a joke? A man died, you heartless quack!

Homeopathy has not been fully studied yet, Hector. I guess for further use, the dosage should be reduced to one drop per 200 liters of water.

You've already bought 3 balsams from me. Would you like to try something special yourself?

Like what? To be honest, I'm deeply attached to whatever is left of my life.

Oh, I have a special offer for you. Since the first day, I couldn't help but admire your cat.

What an original name! You have a good taste, Hector.

Your cat is steady and solid… as if it were part of our state apparatus.

And his screams are impossible to ignore…

That's true, screams like he's starving to death. But I know for sure he gets fed, and then also gets snacks from every tenant…

Would you like to know, what exactly is your cat screaming about? His dreams, his desires?

What do you mean?

I got a recipe for a potion that helps you understand animal speech.

I added Valerian root and powdered mouse bones, so it'll be easy to get your buddy's attention.

It will cost next to nothing, mere $1000. For the trouble of catching mice and processing…

I'm ready to buy your potion!

I knew it!

Drink at once, Hector! I must see this historical moment!

I tried a weaker version of the potion myself, but mice aren't that great at small talk. You wouldn't imagine the nonsense they were saying.

At least, now I know Mark Ranek keeps a can of roe in his apartment, and Rosa's leather shoes are delicious.

That potion you gave me… It works!

Huh! Of course it does!

Do you have more?

No, Hector, I only made one portion and do not intend to repeat. I am preoccupied with more urgent matters.

Hector! I heard tenants complaining of bed bugs. I have a great spray against them! Trust me, bugs will be gone in a jiffy!

Only $1000 for 5, best price in town!

I need your help, Hector!

I'm on the verge of something great.

Did you find a way to cure some horrible disease?

In a way, yes, I suppose. And do you know what's in my way?

What?

A stack of mice!

Mice? Are you insane, van Megeren? I have no time for jokes.

I'm deadly serious. I need a stack of best field mice.

I tried using white lab mice and regular rats, but that didn't work. I need field mice.

What do you want of me?

I saw your cat carrying one of those, and allowed myself to take it from him. That's exactly what I need!

I'm sure you could pick up the mice your Order catches, and bring to me.

But he eats them!

If you feed your cat properly, Hector, he won't eat mice. He'd just bring them home, as prey, that's the hunting instinct.

I brought you mice. There, go ahead, towards your "something great"…

Come here, my pretties! So fat, so cute!

Thank you endlessly, Hector, you and your precious Order!

If you have mice, bring them to me and I'll pay $250 per tail.

I didn't come to you empty-handed…